It is a hangover from our school days that September can feel like a time for getting back to the grind. As in January, there is a sense that we should return as better workers, partners, friends and parents. This sense is even stronger now a culture of optimisation – has taken over – evidenced by the fad for adding “maxx” to everything. Yet that can lead to disappointment and burnout, which Mental Health UK reports up to 91% of adults were at risk from over a recent 12-month period.
One antidote to this drive is to embrace a slower way of living. Rather than always rushing from one activity to the next, we could be enjoying life.
“In the age of digitisation, from work to socialising, we are seeing everything intensify,” says Heejung Chung, a professor of work and employment at King’s College London. “But by doing everything, we’re also creating a culture where it’s seen as normal. So you are not only creating a standard for yourself, but for everyone else as well. There is a creeping set of collective expectations that we can do everything, especially women, and we need to change it.”
So say “no” to self-optimisation this September, and instead embrace these practical ways to slow everything down – from work to parenting.
Make time for micro-connections
More often than not, we feel as though we don’t have enough time to converse with strangers in our daily lives, whether that be the woman next to you at the bus stop or the barista making your coffee. Yet taking the time to mindfully have a conversation with someone we don’t know has tangible benefits.
double quotation markWhen we’re busy, we feel like we can’t spare time for other people, but if we never take that time, we’ll never stop feeling busy
In Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How Small Talk Can Add Up to a Big Life, Dr Gillian Sandstrom argues just this. “Research shows that even tiny conversations with strangers improve our mood,” she explains. “They naturally slow you down, so you start paying more attention to the people around you and your surroundings. They also help you learn new things – I’ve met someone who rescues bats at Durham Cathedral, and a publican who taught me that asparagus squeaks.”
Sandstrom points to a 2012 study, Giving Time Gives You Time, which shows that when you spend time on other people, you end up feeling as though you have more time yourself. “When we’re busy, we feel like we can’t spare time for other people, but if we never take that time, we’ll never stop feeling busy,” she adds. “It’s counterintuitive but it works.”
Walk at someone else’s pace
One literal way to slow down is to start walking at someone else’s pace. “If you’re with a child, an older adult, or even your dog, let them set the pace instead of pulling them along,” says Sarah Hodges, therapy network manager at the mental health and meditation app Headspace. “When we stop rushing to keep our own schedules, we often notice things we would have missed, like the small moments, conversations and connections that make life meaningful. Research on mindfulness and attention shows that when we slow down and intentionally notice what is happening around us, we can reduce stress.”
Prof Mark Williams, founding director of the Oxford Mindfulness Foundation, also suggests walking with an upright posture. “Most of us walk leaning into the future, mentally rushing towards whatever comes next,” he says. “Research shows that simply standing or walking a little more upright can positively influence how you feel.”
Illustration: Lisa Sheehan/The Guardian
Let your children be bored
If you are a parent who is preoccupied with ensuring your child is always busy, you might be doing them a disservice. “Being bored is part of the human experience,” says Stephanie O’Dea, author of Slow Living: Cultivating a Life of Purpose in a Hustle-Driven World. “This is how creativity, imagination and independence begin. A child saying they are bored isn’t an indictment of your parenting.”
Allow them the space for imaginative play. “A child is more likely to play independently if you spend time with them beforehand,” says Dr Maral Amani, a paediatric physical therapist and child development expert. “A helpful response the next time your child says, ‘I’m bored,’ is to resist immediately solving the problem. Instead, try offering confidence. You might say: ‘Hmm, I wonder what you’ll come up with.’ This communicates that you believe they are capable of finding something to do on their own.”
Another suggestion is to invite your child to help you with whatever you’re doing. “If you’re folding laundry, cooking dinner or putting dishes away, you could say: ‘Do you want to keep me company and tell me a story while I do this?’” says Amani. “Sometimes children aren’t looking for entertainment, they’re looking for connection. Inviting them into your everyday activities shows them that ordinary moments can be meaningful.”
Do a ‘no outcome’ activity
Many of us feel we always need to be productive, even during our downtime. Yet there is much joy to be had in actual leisure time, whether that is doodling, kicking a ball around the garden with your child or listening to music. “Do something with no goal beyond enjoyment,” advises Hodges. “Research on rest and recovery highlights the importance of activities that allow us to step away from constant achievement and performance. Doing something simply because we enjoy it helps restore our energy and reminds us that our value is not only tied to what we accomplish.”
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Rosie Nixon, the author of The Pro Method: Pause, Reflect, Organise – Three Simple Steps to Reinvent Your Life, a new book about how to overcome burnout, also recommends doing a “joy audit” of what you actually like doing, and sticking to those activities. “Take a minute to pause and reflect on what genuinely fills your cup, and enables you to cope with the more demanding aspects of your life,” she says. “Then deprioritise anything that isn’t serving you any more – whether that’s friendships, or social media accounts you are following.” And if there’s a TV series or book you’re just not getting into, don’t feel you have to complete it.
Schedule pauses at work
Our always-on work culture means many of us feel as though we can’t take a break during the working day. But as Chung has discovered through her research, having sufficient time away from work makes you a better worker the next day. “For athletes, resting their body isn’t optional; it’s how they are able to perform so well,” she says. “The brain works in much the same way. If your job involves creative thinking, problem-solving or knowledge work, rest isn’t wasted time. It’s what enables you to perform at your best.” For this reason, she argues that working long hours into the night will affect the quality of your work not only at the time, but the next day too.
double quotation markMicro-breaks – where you stare out the window, doodle or lean your head back and shut your eyes – are great for mood, productivity and concentration
Yet finding time to pause during the day can feel impossible. “Finishing one task simply acts as the trigger to begin the next,” says Williams. “So one particularly useful moment to pause is immediately after completing something.” He recommends taking a “mindfulness minute” , whether that be 10 slow breaths, or walking to refill your water bottle.
Claudia Hammond, author of Overwhelmed: Ways to Take the Pressure Off, suggests scheduling your meetings for five past the hour, so that you always have five minutes to catch a breath between hour-long calls. “A recent study found that micro-breaks of just two minutes each hour – where you stare out the window, or doodle, or lean your head back in your chair and shut your eyes – are great for mood and therefore productivity and concentration,” she says.
Simplify your social life
Many believe that in order to have a meaningful experience with our friends, we must be dining at a restaurant, going to an exhibition or attending a party, but some of the most meaningful interactions happen when we’re doing very little at all. “Organising seeing friends can start to feel like a job in itself,” says Hammond. “Especially if there are conflicting priorities, or somewhere requires a deposit, or is fully booked. So it’s a question of remembering that you don’t need to do something massive: it can be as simple as going for a walk.”
The same can be said of hosting. Remove the pressure to cook a gourmet meal and design a tablescape. Instead, focus on the joy of sharing a meal together – whether that’s something homemade or a takeaway.
“September is about fortifying yourself for the winter, and delving into the pleasures of home and slowness after the freneticism of summer,” says cook and food writer Jago Rackham. “Eat slow-roasted meats and poached fruit, do as little as possible to the excellent seasonal ingredients, and plan long lunches and early dinners to catch the last of the light.”
Habit-stack your mindfulness
If you think you don’t have time for mindfulness, try to incorporate it into what you are already doing. “You can build these small moments of awareness into everyday life without adding anything else to your schedule,” says Williams. “If you’re eating lunch, really pay attention to the experience of eating. When you’re walking, ask yourself: ‘What else is here, apart from all the thoughts in my head?’ You might notice an interesting roofline, a bird perched on a fence, or the way the light falls on a building. Appreciation is incredibly valuable. It brings a little more positivity into the day, and we know that being in a positive mood increases creativity too.”
