“I have the career I wanted, but at this point I just don’t care.”
“I don’t know why I’m so angry.”
“I have friends, but we don’t really talk much.”
Different men begin therapy circling the same problem. They arrive at my practice naming anger, numbness or isolation. But over the weeks that follow, the problem they first brought into the room is rarely where we end up.
Many have achieved what they thought they wanted: a good career, a comfortable home, a partner, friends. Yet they feel restless. The new job was supposed to be fulfilling. Marriage was supposed to feel like arriving. Instead, the life they worked for leaves them cold.
double quotation markThere’s no blueprint to grieve a future that was expected to bring happiness
When a man finally reaches the future he has spent years imagining and it fails to satisfy him, disappointment can harden into bitterness. He feels trapped by the very ambitions and responsibilities he believed would make him happy.
What he is feeling, but often cannot name, is grief.
Many had never examined why they pursued the lives they did. They shared an unconscious belief that if they worked hard, built stable relationships and took care of themselves, they would eventually arrive at a life of meaning and ease.
It’s often when that promise fails that they knock on my door.
There’s no blueprint to grieve a future that was expected to bring happiness. There’s no event, no funeral – so it doesn’t get named, and often isn’t processed. The consequences of it, though, run deep – and it’s where men find themselves the loneliest and the most unhappy.
I find that men who live with this are more likely to experience conflict in their relationships, and are less likely to maintain close friendships or pursue community and investment outside of work.
This grief isn’t unique to men. But four patterns can make it particularly difficult for men to recognize and process.
First, men don’t recognize it as such. Prof Kenneth Doka coined the term “disenfranchised grief” for losses that come with no ritual or social acceptance. Most boys are still taught that vulnerability is weakness, and stoicism is strength. They’re trained out of naming sadness long before they experience anything this large. The result is often confusion about why things don’t feel right, and anger at the feeling of powerlessness.
Second, there’s the shame. Men receive a linear social script that centers the provider role. The unspoken contract for many is simple: if you do what is expected of you, one day you will arrive at a life of meaning and satisfaction. Many men’s identities are still tied to their ability to achieve and produce. If they can’t for one reason or another, it leaves them feeling worthless and helpless. Shame blocks mourning, and you cannot grieve what you blame yourself for.
Third, the unnamed grief shows up sideways. For many of the men I work with, it presents like anger and numbness. Both of those responses function as protection against something that feels too big and overwhelming to face directly.
To regain a sense of control or avoid feeling altogether, they may throw themselves into work, gaming, doomscrolling or substance use.
Finally, men tend to go it alone. Gallup data from May 2025 found that 25% of US men aged 15-34 report feeling lonely in the past day, compared with 18% of women. A lot of men struggle to find a support system to show up for them in their grief. Pew data from 2025 found that while men and women experience loneliness, men are much less likely to reach out to their networks for support.
For many of my clients, the loss of economic stability has made this pattern worse.
Over the past five years, increasing economic inequality, career uncertainty and the affordability crisis have made success on paper feel increasingly shaky. It often exposes a bargain passed down much earlier within their family: that achievement is how you earn security, approval and love.
double quotation markWhile it’s not a man’s fault that he has been socialized into this pattern, it is his responsibility to break out of it
Many clients who describe losing interest in their work often reflect on how one or both of their parents or caregivers gave all of their attention to their careers, leaving a child feeling that they had to earn the affection they always needed. These clients may pursue careers to feel worthy of appreciation, only to find that success leaves them hollow.
Clients who struggle with anger and irritability toward those they care about often describe a childhood burdened by other people’s expectations, where affection felt conditional on meeting those expectations. As adults, they may experience commitment or other people’s needs as a threat rather than a source of connection.
And when they lose something central, such as their job or a partner, they don’t experience the change as a loss or something sad to miss. They see it as undermining who they are.
While it’s not a man’s fault that he has been socialized into this pattern, it is his responsibility to break out of it.
There’s a reason why this is a tough challenge to solve; when anger or numbness serves as a wall of self-protection, being told to “talk to someone” or that “it’s OK to cry” can feel ridiculous.
What actually works is entering through the anger or numbness itself. I encourage clients to get curious about it, rather than trying to fight it. This is easier said than done, because many clients feel at war with their own anger or indifference.
For many, therapy begins with recognizing that their anger or numbness serves a purpose. Once clients understand the self-protective role of these emotions, they can begin to ask what they fear feeling if that protection disappears. The answer is often simple and painful: helpless, weak, worthless, unlovable – or something they still cannot name.
By turning towards this grief and exploring it with self-compassion, clients can allow themselves to feel less controlled by it, which leads them to feel more open, and more genuinely confident. When they are less at war with their own feelings, they are able to connect more with others and develop friendships and community. It makes reaching out for support easier, creativity more accessible, and increases their sense of belonging and satisfaction outside of work.
It helps them access the sense of meaning that had eluded them even, when they did all the right things.
Taking that on doesn’t mean a man becomes less successful. It means taking action for himself, out of love and not fear.
Matthew Willner, LCSW, is a psychotherapist licensed in New York, New Jersey, and Colorado, specializing in working with men. No individual client is depicted, and the details reflect common patterns rather than any specific person
