Late-night hosts recap Pete Hegseth’s precedent-shattering mandatory meeting for US generals in Virginia, where he railed against “fat troops”.
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert opened Tuesday’s Late Show with a countdown to a government shutdown, which would cut numerous essential services and leave many out of work. But not everyone – Colbert noted that people deemed essential workers, such as air traffic controllers or TSA agents, must stay on the job, even if it means working without pay. “Which is perfect for anyone who’s ever said ‘I just wish this TSA worker groping my junk was also angry,’” Colbert quipped.
He then turned to “the darker” story of the evening: Pete Hegseth gathering top generals at Quantico for an unusual speech in which Colbert described the defense secretary as a “five-star douche”.
Hegseth proclaimed “liberation day” for America’s “warriors” who “kill people and break things for a living”.
“I’ll say it: the Democrats have got to turn down the temperature on their violent rhetoric,” Colbert joked.
Hegseth also said there would be “no more climate change worship. No more division, distraction, or gender delusions. No more debris. As I’ve said before and will say again, we are done with that shit”.
“Gosh, did you hear that, five-star generals? Pete did a swear,” Colbert mocked. “He! Is! Cool! You know, I hear he has like 10 Playboys under his mattress.”
Hegseth encouraged the generals to “tell it like it is in plain English, to point out the obvious things right in front of us”.
Colbert then pointed out the obvious: “OK, you suck monkey butt.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel also touched on the government shutdown on Tuesday night. “Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding the Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago,” he explained. “And Trump is threatening to make irreversible cuts if there’s a shutdown.”
“I was recently the victim of a government shutdown – they are reversible, I will tell you that,” he added.
Kimmel then mocked Hegseth’s mandatory meeting with generals in Virginia. “All the top military leaders were pulled off the frontlines in Portland and Washington DC and summoned to Quantico for a pep talk with Pete,” he said before a clip of Hegseth boasting: “If our enemies choose foolishly to challenge us, they will be crushed by the violence, precision and ferocity of the war department. In other words, to our enemies: FAFO.”
“He’s so awesome,” Kimmel deadpanned. “That was some speech. Usually when a big group of people gather in one room for Pete Hegseth, it’s an intervention.”
“But this was a no mercy type of affair,” as Hegseth said he’d do away with diversity, equity and inclusion initiatives in the military, as well as “dudes in dresses” and “fat troops”.
“It’s completely unacceptable to see fat admirals and generals in the halls of the Pentagon and leading commands around the country and the world,” Hegseth said. “It’s a bad look.”
Kimmel responded with a clip of Trump lumbering about. “I love the idea that Trump is lecturing these guys on fitness,” he laughed. “I mean, if that isn’t the fondue pot calling the kettle fat, I don’t know what is.”
The Daily Show
On the Daily Show, Ronny Chieng also poked fun at Hegseth’s ominous mandatory meeting with US generals. “Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, ok?” he joked. “Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every US general to a meeting at Quantico.”
Chieng then played clips from Hegseth’s tirade against “fat troops”, which he called a “bad look”.
“That’s what you called all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat?” he wondered. “Couldn’t you just leave some passive aggressive comments on their Instagram? Like ‘hey, congrats general, when are you due?’”
“This guy will text secret war plans, but when it comes to body shaming, he’s like ‘I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how fat their faces are.’”
“Look, I get the military needs to be fit,” Chieng continued. “But in defense of fat generals, they’re kind of like coaches, right? Coaches don’t need to be fit enough to play the sport, they just have to fit enough to date a 24-year-old,” he said next to a photo of Bill Belichick, the former New England Patriots head coach, and his girlfriend Jordon Hudson.
Hegseth also said he’d ban beards or long hair. “According to Pete Hegseth, America’s military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a Grindr profile – no fatties, no facial hair, and get those ladies the fuck out of my sight,” Chieng joked.
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers recapped Trump’s meeting with the Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, at the White House on Monday, where he told reporters that he’s very confident he could quickly achieve a peace deal in Gaza. “Dude, you said within 24 hours nine months ago, ‘quickly’ is no longer in the cards,” Meyers laughed. “That’s like James Cameron saying ‘Avatar 4 is coming quickly.’”
“This from the guy who couldn’t even end the war in Portland,” he joked, referring to Trump sending national guard troops to Portland for no reason.
Trump also told NBC News that he would imagine that the justice department is investigating the former FBI director, Christopher Wray, “then he winked so hard at Pam Bondi that his hair popped up like a garbage can lid,” Meyers quipped.
