Reading the comments below Annalisa Barbieri’s latest advice column online (I wish my son wanted to spend more time with me, 28 June), I was struck by how many people equated successful parenting with raising independent adult children.
But life isn’t always that straightforward. There is a largely invisible generation of midlife parents still caring for adult children who remain Neets – not in employment, education or training. Many are living with neurodivergence, severe mental illness, post-Covid syndrome or chronic ill health.
Many are bright young people who, for one reason or another, just can’t seem to get started in adult life. I know because I’m one of those parents. I won’t share my family’s story because I need to protect my children’s privacy. If I’m honest, it’s also because I carry a huge amount of shame. Reading comments that imply successful parents produce independent adults leaves many of us feeling that we’ve failed at the most important job of our lives. The grief is immense.
We are the parents who become experts at changing the subject, as our stomachs drop, when someone innocently asks: “What are your kids up to these days?”
We’ve watched children who were once thriving gradually withdraw from education, relationships and the outside world. Every article about Neets quite rightly asks how we can better support these young people. But almost none ask what this means for the parents holding everything together behind closed doors: life quietly and profoundly shrinking around caring.
Perhaps it’s time to widen the conversation. Alongside asking how we support young adults who are struggling, we should also be asking how we support the families who continue to care for them. If supporting parents gives children the best start in life, why do we stop supporting parents when the caring becomes harder, not easier?
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