I write about the recent coverage of the Fordingbridge case (Court of appeal to review rape sentences of three teenage boys, 26 May). I experienced a remarkably similar crime over 20 years ago: same number and age of perpetrators, same incident, same court outcome. The differences were that I was younger, and that, mercifully, being before the days of social media, it wasn’t filmed (though word of mouth in the community resulted in similar name-calling). There also wasn’t public outcry at the outcome; it’s nice to see progress, if too slow, in our understanding of the impact of these crimes.
Still, I’m worried by some of the discourse for the girls in question and others who have experienced similar. There have been comments in print and social media which, in attempting to emphasise the severity of the crime, have said things like “their lives are ruined” or “they’ll never heal”.
Now, on the one hand, the impact on my life can hardly be overstated. I’ve struggled to make healthy decisions for myself, had a number of harmful coping mechanisms, and spent many years either feeling numb or creating or fabricating problems in the present because, surely, the pain I’m feeling can’t still be a result of what happened. I’ve allowed people to treat me very poorly and struggled to see it, subconsciously modelling a template that had been set.
After over a decade of weekly therapy (in part supported by a specialist charity that has saved my life), it’s astounding to still discover new, deeply buried ways in which what happened altered the way I feel and see the world, and things I need to overcome to function. Maybe this will always be the case. The sentences are woefully inadequate relative to the level of harm.
However, to say that my life is ruined? Hardly. I have many wonderful friendships, a successful career in a field I’m passionate about and I’ve travelled the world. I’m learning to be at peace with my body and mind. Much like learning to live with grief or a chronic illness, my life has expanded around the pain and with each year I learn better how to manage it and myself. The idea that it will remain something to deal with is not scary or depressing, it’s something to grieve but also part of the rich tapestry of my life, just one part of a bigger whole. The future is not an eternal tunnel of darkness.
The girls in the Fordingbridge case – and others in a similar situation – are going to need a lot of support, time and space to feel a lot of things (I would advise them to seek out places and people that provide these, and to give time and space to themselves too), but I hope they can know that there is hope for the lives ahead of them.
A final thing: my primary school teacher was my guardian angel in the aftermath of what happened, and I never got a chance to thank her. I can’t find her online; I believe she married. S, if you see this, would you reach out?
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