I was really saddened to read Emily Retter’s article about how many people are now opting for “low contact” relationships with family members (The rise of ‘low contact’ family relationships: ‘I said, Mum, I need to take some space’, 5 February). I fully understand and absolutely support that people sometimes need to step away from unsafe or abusive family situations and feel huge empathy for anyone who has had to make that choice. But the piece felt one‑sided, and it missed something important about what is happening right now: a social‑media‑fuelled individualism that can have serious unintended consequences.
What concerned me most was the lack of acknowledgment of how this trend overlaps with the rise in coercive control. One of the first warning signs of an abusive partner is encouraging someone to isolate from family and friends. How confusing must it be for people to see that behaviour supported in online messaging. Isolation is a major red flag for domestic abuse, and we should be helping young people to recognise that.
My own family has been deeply affected. Since Covid, my sister has chosen low/no contact with my parents and, by extension, with me. We had a loving, ordinary, stable upbringing. One of the most important relationships in both our lives was with our grandma, something my parents nurtured even when it wasn’t easy. We’ve been in a state of living grief. My parents are heartbroken, and I’m heartbroken for them.
If I believed my sister was happier, I could accept it. But I don’t. I’m worried that this distance has been influenced by her partner, and that she’s becoming isolated in unhealthy ways. I worry greatly that my sister has no support network left.
I’m not dismissing the very real need some people have to step back. But I wanted to voice the other side of this trend too; the families left behind, the relationships lost, and the devastation that happens when “low contact” isn’t about healing, but about isolation or coercion.
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The view of the adult children is almost always the focus of this type of article. And the mistaken assumption could be then made that the cause of family estrangement is mainly the result of a “difficult” mother or father. This does not apply in all cases – of course there are some abusive relationships where the wise thing to do is to step away, but does that account for the majority of them? The adult child typically holds more power in the relationship and low or often no contact is the choice they make rather than putting the effort into repair. There should be no automatic assumption of moral superiority on the part of the person making the choice.
The causes of families being torn apart can have at their root another difficult individual – daughter-in-law, sibling, daughter or son, and can stem from an individual’s difficulties maintaining normal relationships, and struggles with mental health issues. They can’t simply be explained by family friction due to unreasonable parents, and can cause a huge amount of distress and pain.
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