Ben Lennard would make jokes with his friends about pornography, the kind of banter men in their mid-20s often share.
But in hindsight, he understands the humour was a deflection tool to mask a problem that was destroying his life.
“I have a lot of banter with friends and people around me, I have a humorous side,” he said. “So for me, when I was watching it, even if I was out in public or there were people around, I’d just be humorous about it. But no one knew the addiction. I’d try to hide it as best I could. I just saw the funny side to it that no one would think to question it.”
Despite the jokes, porn had become a huge problem, interfering in his relationships and demolishing his self-esteem.
“The worst days my head would be racing at 100 miles per hour. All that will be in my head is porn, sex, everything. There would be a time where I’d just absolutely crave everything I’ve seen,” he said.
“Every time I watched porn it didn’t necessarily mean that I was masturbating. I would literally watch it like you would pull your phone out and watch videos on YouTube or TikTok, Instagram or something. That was me but with porn.”
Lennard began watching pornography as a child, after first seeing sexually explicit scenes at the age of 10 or 11 and seeking out more content.
“When you’re young, you are curious about all that kind of stuff, and I guess at first it seemed normal to me because I’m young, it’s porn. And it wasn’t until … I started realising that there was an issue when it became so addictive that it was taking up my time.
“It interfered with my life because I was always questioning why I was so addicted with it. Growing up, I became worse through school, in my personal life. And it wasn’t until the recent years in my 20s that things just got a bit out of control.”
He said he found it hard to resist the “urge” or “craving” he would have.
“It was addictive for me and at that time I didn’t really understand what was wrong with me so I kind of just compressed my feelings towards it.”
He said he was left with a “guilty conscience” when in relationships, “because you think, ‘Oh, I should be loving my partner, respecting my partner and loving her and her body’”.
“I had that guilty side to me where [I was thinking], ‘Why should I be watching porn? Why should I be watching other people have sex when I should be loving my partner?’ and you know it kind of headboggled me a little bit.”
Watching porn would also give him unrealistic expectations of himself. He added: “It can very badly ruin your mental health. Where I’d been watching it for so long and so much, it kind of fed in my brain [that] I have to be like that. I’d compare myself, and it is very soul destroying.
“I don’t think that people realise that it’s fake. [The performers] take so much medication and have surgeries and all this stuff to make it look good. People feed that into their heads that’s the reality of it, when it’s not.”
An ADHD diagnosis in 2024 helped Lennard understand that his brain was wired more towards impulsive behaviour – especially around thrill and pleasure seeking – than a typical person.
He has since gone “cold turkey”, assisted in part by the Online Safety Act, he said, because putting his personal details into porn websites was something he did not want to do.
He said he “never in a million years” thought he would speak publicly about it but that now he felt as if “a massive weight” has been lifted from his shoulders.
