The Late Show is back for its final season. Host Stephen Colbert kicked off his return from break with a look at the rampant speculation over the weekend that Donald Trump had died.
“When I came to the office I was shocked to learn that this weekend the biggest story was frenzied social media rumors speculating whether Donald Trump had died,” Colbert said. “For the record, Donald is very much alive.” When the audience booed, Colbert noted, “We like our presidents alive.”
He continued, “This whole crazy rumor started because Trump had zero events on his schedule last Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. And one of the only signs that he might still be around was music in the Rose Garden, which the White House confirmed was the president’s music. which I’ve got to say is not the strongest proof of life. Yes nurse I do see that flat line, but the patient is clearly alive because his iPhone is playing ‘Papa Loves Mambo.’”
Colbert shared a clip of J.D. Vance responding to questions about whether he was ready to take over the role of president. Vance said, “The president is in incredibly good health and he’s got incredible energy. While most of the people working around the president of the United States are younger than him, we find that he is actually the last person to go to sleep, and he is the last person making phone calls at night.”
“Okay, so the president doesn’t sleep and is on the phone all night, proof that he is completely healthy, or he runs a phone-sex line,” Colbert responded before mimicking what that might entail. “What am I wearing?” he said in a Trump-like cadence. “I’m wearing my baseball hat with my name on it and compression socks for my bloated cankles. Oh, they’re so plump with fluid right now!”
The host continued, “There is nothing mysterious going on at the White House, not even this completely normal video from the weekend where someone drops multiple heavy mystery bags out an upper story window. A little weird, but today the administration cleared up exactly what was going on there. The White House official told reporters it was a contractor doing regular maintenance while the president was gone. Yes, exactly, perfectly normal in every administration. When the president’s not there, randos are let in to throw trash bags out the windows. It’s called democracy.”
Editor’s picks
Trump later claimed that the video was AI, saying people always blame AI whenever something really bad happens. “You just blamed AI!” Colbert said. “Which means something really bad happened! Are you dead? Were you in those bags? Are you AI?”
Trending Stories
Yesterday Trump told reporters he was unaware of social media rumors speculating about his supposed death or rapidly declining health that went viral over Labor Day weekend. “No… I didn’t see that,” Trump told Fox News’ Peter Doocy. “Last week, I did numerous news conferences, all successful. They went very well — like, this is going very well — and then I didn’t do any for two days and they said there must be something wrong with him. [Joe] Biden wouldn’t do them for months.”
However, according to an administration official and another source briefed on the matter, Trump was absolutely aware of the online rumors that he was dead or dying, with a source telling Rolling Stone: “He fucking sees everything.” The administration official added that the president is “the healthiest I’ve ever seen him,” and that any attempt to portray him as frail or declining is “fake news” and “malicious.” Asked if the official was told to say that by Team Trump brass, and if everyone at the White House is just trying to make Trump seem big and strong, the Trump official simply hung up on Rolling Stone.
