For decades, Donald Trump has been at war with numbers. Some have capitulated more swiftly than others. His weight, his golf scores, and his net worth have long fallen in line. As I understand it, a Trump doctor appointment consists of going to a medical professional and announcing how much you would like to weigh and what your resting heart rate ought to be, and the wise doctor’s patriotic, good equipment cooperates to measure you correctly. (I have tried this myself without success. My scale is not a true patriot.) Mean, wicked scales that display unflattering numbers, and foolish, incompetent golf balls that do not traverse the correct distance, are promptly discarded and replaced with their more loyal counterparts.
This is how value works! As Trump testified once in court, “My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with the markets and with attitudes and with feelings, even my own feelings … Yes, even my own feelings, as to where the world is, where the world is going, and that can change rapidly from day to day.”
Some data, such as the number of votes he received at the polls in 2020, initially refused to budge. But with a little bit of threatening from some extra-patriotic patriots, the election turned out to have been a Trump blowout. Just ask any elected Republican; they’ll tell you! Now these politicians are working on gerrymandering the country so that it will understand that Republicans are in the majority everywhere—which poll results would already be saying if they were more patriotic.
And now, at last, Donald Trump has fired the head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Once these disloyal statisticians are out of the way, the data will finally start to cooperate. The only possible reason the economy could be doing anything other than booming is Joe Biden–legacy manipulation. The economy is not frightened and exhausted by a man who pursues his tariffs with the wild-eyed avidity of Captain Ahab and seems genuinely unable to grasp the meaning of a trade deficit. No, the numbers are simply not patriotic enough. We must make an example of them! When they are frightened enough, I am sure they will show growth.
Fumbling around in a fog of vibes and misinformation and things you saw on Fox News is good enough for the president; why should the rest of us ask for anything better? Soon, no one will know what is happening—what the problem is, or what remedies to apply. What sectors are booming and which are contracting, whether interest rates should be higher or lower, whether it’s hotter or colder than last year, whether mortality has gone up or gone down. It will be vibes all the way down. Soon we will all be bumping around helplessly in the dark.
That’s a good thing. We can all breathe easier and know that the economy is doing just what the president wants it to do. Try feeling like eggs are cheaper! Try feeling like you have a job. Try feeling like you can buy the amount of goods and services with your dollar that you desire. Close your eyes and try a little harder. Then you’ll feel the prosperity. Trickling down, so warmly, from Trump on high. And the invisible hand, lifting you up.
Finally, the numbers will be vanquished. Finally, we will be free.
