\n<\/p>\n
G<\/span>ot something to say sorry for? Here are words that have no place in your apologies, according to those who have spent years analysing them: \u201cIt was not my intent\u201d. \u201cWhat I meant was\u201d. \u201cSorry you misunderstood\u201d. And any use of the word \u201cobviously\u201d.<\/p>\n Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy call it \u201cbad apology bingo\u201d. They have heard a lot of them as co-authors of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies and the blog Sorrywatch, where they critique public apologies. \u201cWe\u2019ve looked at so many studies, from so many different fields, on what makes an effective apology,\u201d Ingall says.<\/p>\n After 10-plus years of Sorrywatch, they have also seen apologies so bad they warrant apologies of their own. \u201c\u2018Sorry if\u2019, \u2018sorry but\u2019, \u2018sorry I forgot that you don\u2019t really have a sense of humour about that\u2019 \u2026 The line between explanation and excuse is very porous, and very thin.\u201d<\/p>\n At their best, apologies can not only repair relationships but make them more resilient. The trouble is, they are hard to do \u2013 or at least to do well. One ill-considered or misplaced word can not only fail to secure forgiveness but make the situation worse.<\/p>\n How can you say sorry, and convey that you really mean it \u2013 and why do we find it so difficult?<\/p>\n \u201cIn general, we want to feel good about ourselves, and for people to think positively of us,\u201d says Karina Schumann, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, who has extensively studied the science of apology.<\/p>\n By taking responsibility for hurting someone\u2019s feelings, or messing up at work, we threaten our image of ourselves as moral or competent. \u201cWe really have a hard time associating ourselves with those wrongful actions,\u201d Schumann says.<\/p>\n Further complicating matters is the fact that blame is rarely clearcut, even when we accept we\u2019re at least somewhat at fault. \u201cIt can be really difficult to say, \u2018Yes, I\u2019m responsible\u2019 when I also see you \u2013 or the situation \u2013 as responsible.\u201d<\/p>\n You can reference those extenuating circumstances in your apology, Schumann says \u2013 it just has \u201cto be done really carefully\u201d.<\/p>\n Often people who have been wronged struggle to understand why: \u201cWhy did this person do this to me? Is it because they don\u2019t value our relationship? Were they trying to hurt me intentionally?\u201d<\/p>\n That ambiguity can compound hurt feelings and create bigger rifts. Giving context in an apology \u2013 about your reasoning, for example, or emotional state \u2013 can help prevent further misunderstanding, according to Schumann. \u201cBut you still need to accept the responsibility for the harm, and the consequences.\u201d<\/p>\n There are certain words that immediately undermine the value of an apologyKarina Schumann<\/p>\n Various studies have identified a certain number of steps to an effective apology, from five steps to seven. Schumann\u2019s own framework has eight, though she thinks of them more as elements you can drawn on, depending on the situation and particular misdemeanour, than steps you must follow. \u201cI would never advise going through it like a checklist,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Sometimes, acknowledging the harm you\u2019ve caused will be the most pressing part of your apology; other times the emphasis will be on repairing the relationship. \u201cIt\u2019s going to be really important that this person feels that you are committed to never behaving this way again, that this was a one-time mistake,\u201d Schumann says.<\/p>\n One essential yet often overlooked step is actually saying the words \u201cI am sorry\u201d or \u201cI apologise\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cThey need to hear that very clear, strong signal,\u201d Schumann says. \u201cIf that\u2019s missing, then you can say all the rest, and some people might not register it as an apology.\u201d<\/p>\n Equally, she goes on: \u201cThere are certain words that immediately undermine the value of an apology.\u201d One is \u201cbut\u201d. \u201cPeople hear defensiveness, as opposed to accountability.\u201d<\/p>\n Even if you have points to get off your chest, it may be best to hold off until you are on firmer footing. \u201cWe have a tendency to want apologies to be this immediate fix,\u201d Schumann says. \u201cWhat they should be is a signal for a broader process of reparation, and commitment to restoring the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n skip past newsletter promotion<\/p>\n Sign up to Saved for Later<\/span><\/p>\n Catch up on the fun stuff with Guardian Australia’s culture and lifestyle rundown of pop culture, trends and tips<\/p>\n Privacy Notice: <\/strong>Newsletters may contain info about charities, online ads, and content funded by outside parties. For more information see our Privacy Policy. We use Google reCaptcha to protect our website and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.<\/span><\/p>\n after newsletter promotion<\/p>\n Men have higher thresholds than women do for what constitutes an apology-worthy offence<\/p>\n That doesn\u2019t have to be made explicit, says Schumann \u2013 but implicit to the apology is often a commitment to doing better in future. \u201cWhat\u2019s really important with these promises to behave better is that you have to back it up and live by what you\u2019re saying. And, if you don\u2019t think you can, don\u2019t say those words, because it\u2019s going to backfire.\u201d<\/p>\n Where saying more can help (rather than hinder) your apology is in demonstrating awareness of the impact on the other person. \u201cYou should specify what you are sorry for, and show that you understand why it was hurtful,\u201d Ingall says.<\/p>\n As well as demonstrating empathy and self-reflection, this gives the other person a chance to clarify. Regardless of what they have to say, it\u2019s important to listen, Ingall says. \u201cThe thing that people want most is to be heard and understood \u2026 The apology is not about you; it\u2019s about the recipient.\u201d<\/p>\n Offering reparations can help communicate your selflessness, Ingall adds \u2013 and those can take many forms, such as flowers. After she and her husband fight, he gets to work on jobs around the house or takes on more of the cooking. \u201cHe is not great with the words \u2013 but he does the acts of service,\u201d Ingall says.<\/p>\n Research suggests your apology may indeed be more persuasive if you\u2019re seen to be making an effort \u2013 but that can go beyond gifts and household chores. A study found that people perceive apologies using longer words (but still common and easy-to-understand) as being more genuine.<\/p>\n Shiri Lev-Ari, the paper\u2019s author, says it is received as akin to investing time or money in making amends. \u201cIf the person inconveniences themselves in order to apologise, you can say: \u2018Okay, they mean it.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n That we seem to intuitively understand this reflects our attention to navigating these nuanced social dynamics, Lev-Ari says: as much as we might agonise over apologising, much of what makes it effective (or not) is unspoken and even subconscious. \u201cWithout realising, we also choose words because of their forms, such as how long they are, not just what they mean.\u201d<\/p>\n Though parents might fight in front of their children, they often make up in private<\/p>\n The gender split is less significant than you might think. According to Schumann\u2019s research, women report apologising more frequently than men do but it\u2019s not because they are more willing or able.<\/p>\n It reflects instead a difference of perception, she says. Men just have higher thresholds than women do for what constitutes an apology-worthy offence, Schumann found. When that threshold is met, \u201cthey\u2019re just as willing\u201d.<\/p>\n That is distinct from the stereotype that men are prevented by their ego from apologising, even when they know they\u2019re wrong, Schumann points out. For one study, she asked (straight, married or cohabiting) couples to each keep a daily diary of apology-worthy offences they either committed or were committed against them. The accounts only aligned 35% of the time.<\/p>\n \u201cIt really speaks to the need for people to communicate,\u201d Schumann says. \u201cThe majority of the time we are hurting each other, it\u2019s not out of malicious intent.\u201d<\/p>\n One way to make your apology more effective is to demonstrate a genuine effort to understand the other person\u2019s perspective. Instead of assuming you know how they feel, Schumann says, ask questions. \u201cOpen the space for learning about each other.\u201d<\/p>\n All the experts agree apologising can be agonising even for the most apologetic, empathetic person. It doesn\u2019t help that we don\u2019t often get to see it modelled well.<\/p>\n Most public apologies tend to be about PR rather than real remorse. Leaders are actually taught to deflect responsibility. And, though parents might fight in front of their children, they often make up in private.<\/p>\n When Ingall and McCarthy started writing Sorrywatch, in 2012, their focus was on making fun of celebrities\u2019 non-apologies. The project became more civic-minded post-Trump. \u201cWe wanted to show that an apology is really an act of strength.\u201d<\/p>\n A good apology, after all, demands vulnerability: it is an admission that we failed to live up to our own and shared standards, Ingall says. But it\u2019s also a tool by which we can repair bonds, strengthen them and show how much they mean to us.<\/p>\n \u201cShould you ever apologise if you\u2019re not sorry? Sometimes \u2013 if you value the relationship more than being right.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Got something to say sorry for? Here are words that have no place in your apologies, according to those who have spent years analysing them: \u201cIt was not my intent\u201d. \u201cWhat I meant was\u201d. \u201cSorry you misunderstood\u201d. And any use of the word \u201cobviously\u201d. Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy call it \u201cbad apology bingo\u201d. They<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":9797,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[58],"tags":[2364,585,2366,2365,1119],"class_list":{"0":"post-9796","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-science","8":"tag-apologise","9":"tag-learning","10":"tag-psychology","11":"tag-relationships","12":"tag-save"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9796","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9796"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9796\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/9797"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9796"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9796"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9796"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}