\n<\/p>\n
O<\/span>n a hot, still, silent noon, at a junction of dirt roads in rural France, Thomas Trezise stood scanning the horizon, looking and listening for his wife. He tried to soothe a deep foreboding. Susan Brison had headed out for a morning walk two hours ago. How could she be gone so long?<\/p>\n This was 4 July 1990, the start of what was meant to be a busy summer. Trezise and Brison were both assistant professors in the US \u2013 he in French at Princeton and Brison in philosophy at Dartmouth \u2013 and had just arrived at the remote farmhouse of Trezise\u2019s French colleague. Life seemed packed with promise. \u201cI\u2019d found someone with whom I really wanted to spend my life and I just felt very, very lucky,\u201d says Trezise. \u201cSusan and I had fallen quickly and deeply in love \u2013 it was magical \u2013 and at that point, we were also trying to conceive a child. We loved being in France. I kind of felt I\u2019d found my way. It was a good place \u2026 until it happened.\u201d<\/p>\n By 1pm, Trezise was still trying to push back a rising panic when, from the corner of his eye, he saw his colleague running towards him, yelling. \u201cThat\u2019s the moment I remember,\u201d says Trezise. \u201cI just thought: \u2018OK. I wasn\u2019t wrong about something happening.\u2019 It was terrifying.\u201d<\/p>\n An ambulance was at the gate, but Trezise could not recognise the figure inside. She was bandaged, bruised and bloodied, her cheeks hugely swollen, her eyes slits, an enormous bulge on her forehead. Seeing his reaction, Brison slowly lifted her oxygen mask and said in a hoarse voice: \u201cI\u2019ll be OK.\u201d<\/p>\n double quotation markI knew I needed to be there, I needed to listen, but \u2013 this is a masculine thing \u2013 I wanted to fix it and I knew I couldn\u2019t<\/p>\n Outside on the driveway, Trezise allowed himself one scream to the skies, fists clenched. Though it would be days before he would learn exactly what had happened, it was instantly clear to him that a man had done this to her. Back in the ambulance, en route to hospital in Grenoble, it took Trezise every ounce of will to contain his anger, fear and frenzied emotion, and to instead project calm. It was, he remembers, like \u201can actor taking the stage\u201d. He became, or tried to become, \u201cthe strong, supportive spouse\u201d.<\/p>\n This is the starting point of Trezise\u2019s memoir, Beginning Again, which gives a powerful account of the days, weeks and years ahead. It\u2019s a voice we rarely hear, especially in such depth \u2013 a man\u2019s experience of his wife\u2019s rape and attempted murder.<\/p>\n Trezise and Brison are in their seventies now, tenured professors, with an adult son. Within months of the assault, Brison had begun speaking publicly about sexual violence. Before long writing about it too. In 1993, her account was published in the New York Times and later, her book, Aftermath, was an exploration of finding sense and meaning when you have landed far beyond the moral universe. It was Brison who suggested that Trezise write about it too. \u201cI knew he had it in him to write this book,\u201d she says, \u201cand I was always encouraging him.\u201d<\/p>\n For Trezise, there were many layers of difficulty in doing so. \u201cOne was this feeling of complicity,\u201d says Trezise. \u201cIt\u2019s impossible not to know that the vast majority of sex crimes are committed by men. A simple way of putting it is that, if I\u2019d gone on that same walk that day, I would have been safe.\u201d Entitlement was another barrier. \u201cWhat voice do I say this in? I do not want to claim \u2018victimhood\u2019 when Susan\u2019s victimisation was so much worse. But I did want to say that this has very dire effects and it\u2019s not just my story, it\u2019s the story of millions of people.\u201d When men stay silent, sexual violence gets filed under \u2018woman\u2019s problems\u2019, when of course, says Trezise, it\u2019s \u201ca problem for humanity\u201d.<\/p>\n During their first 11 days in hospital, Trezise slept beside his wife, with the help of sedatives prescribed to both of them. Brison could barely speak \u2013 she had been so badly strangled, she had a fractured trachea \u2013 and Trezise was her voice, her support, her advocate and also her guard, because Brison was terrified that her assailant might appear in the hospital. Trezise was on high alert too. They refused to be separated, even during treatments and examinations. His book describes helping with her first bath \u2013 just the two of them, locked in the bathroom, him washing her, then taking a shower himself, sticking his head out every 15 seconds to check she was still safe.<\/p>\n The account of the attack itself is given by Brison, through the unedited deposition that she wrote with a detective in the hospital, a painstaking procedure that took eight hours to complete. It\u2019s a horrifying, harrowing read that tells how Brison was grabbed from behind by the throat while walking, and taken to a muddy ravine. She was punched, assaulted, strangled, smashed by a rock; she came in and out of consciousness, and bargained and begged for her life. The ordeal only ended when she pretended to be dead.<\/p>\n Brison had barely looked at the deposition since giving it \u2013 and had no intention of doing so until Trezise asked permission to include it in his book. \u201cIt was important, as wrenching as it is, for the readers to know exactly what she went through,\u201d says Trezise. \u201cIf I had paraphrased it, I would have felt like I was appropriating her voice.\u201d For Brison, reading it within her husband\u2019s narrative gave her a different perspective. \u201cI was very moved,\u201d she says. \u201cI had never stopped to think how he felt as I was giving it. It\u2019s important for people to know the effect on him.\u201d At one point in the deposition, Brison describes being in so much pain that she thinks it would be better to die \u2013 but then imagines her husband finding her body in a ravine and being \u201calone in the world\u201d. This gives her the strength to carry on. \u201cIt left me speechless,\u201d says Trezise. \u201cJust like in the ambulance, when she said: \u2018I\u2019ll be OK.\u2019 She didn\u2019t say that for her own sake. She said that for my sake.\u201d<\/p>\n Still, through all this and back in the US, Trezise contained his emotions to be the \u201csupportive spouse\u201d he thought Brison needed. At Princeton, Brison at home on disability leave, doors and windows locked, it was Trezise who stepped back out into \u201cnormal life\u201d \u2013 going to work, buying the groceries, performing all life\u2019s admin. \u201cThe question for me was, \u2018How can I help her? What should I do?\u2019 \u2013 and those are the things I knew how to do,\u201d he says. \u201cThe trouble is, I feel like at times, they were done to the exclusion of me being emotionally accessible, because that was more disorienting. I knew I needed to be there, that I needed to listen, but \u2013 this is a masculine thing too \u2013 I wanted to fix it and I knew I couldn\u2019t. And that was a source of great frustration and, at times, anger and depression.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/span>\u2018I knew, even during the hardest of times, he would stand by me\u2019 \u2026 Brison and Trezise.<\/span> Photograph: John Tully\/The Guardian<\/p>\n Many couples do not survive trauma like this and Brison can see why. \u201cMy trust in the world was so shattered, I didn\u2019t feel viscerally that I could walk out the front door and not get killed or the ground would fall beneath me,\u201d she says. \u201cTom was so strong, he was a rock. I know that\u2019s what he thought I needed, but I needed to be accompanied. He hadn\u2019t cried. He hadn\u2019t shown that he was hurt. For a while, our ability to understand each other was shot.\u201d Brison resented his ability to pick up his former life, and imagined him out there, doing fine. In truth, Trezise was barely coping. \u201cIt was hard to get through the day,\u201d he says. \u201cBefore I taught my class, I lay on the floor of my study and just dreamed about being somewhere else. The most banal, everyday exchange like, \u2018How was your summer?\u2019 or \u2018How are you doing?\u2019, was so difficult to answer, and 99% of the time, I said nothing, which meant I was like a ghost.\u201d Though he\u2019d received a fellowship to write a book on Samuel Beckett, he\u2019d lost all interest. (He never wrote it.) Having built a career around his love of France \u2013 the country and the language \u2013 Trezise had no wish to ever return and could hardly bear to hear French.<\/p>\n Every aspect of their life and marriage had been profoundly changed. \u201cIt\u2019s partly because the attack was of a sexual nature,\u201d says Trezise. \u201cWe\u2019d been trying to conceive a child before the attack, but physical intimacy \u2013 any intimacy, emotional, psychological \u2013 becomes really fraught. In one sense, you\u2019re asking: \u2018Am I entitled to feel attracted to Susan?\u2019 \u2018Am I entitled to cry?\u2019 I didn\u2019t feel entitled to my own feelings a lot of the time. It\u2019s as though I couldn\u2019t be myself. I had to walk on eggshells. Susan was angry \u2013 and I did not blame her in the least. But it can be hard to be in the presence of someone who\u2019s angry, even if the person\u2019s not angry at you.\u201d<\/p>\n What helped? For Brison, finding her own community, especially a survivors\u2019 self-help group, was hugely important. Though there were no support groups for partners at that time, Trezise also began therapy. \u201cIt was absolutely essential,\u201d he says. \u201cIt was a revelation to have one hour a week with someone who knew a great deal about trauma and whose job it was to listen so I didn\u2019t feel like I was imposing.\u201d He advises anyone in a similar position to seek support. \u201cJust because you\u2019re a carer doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t need care,\u201d he says. \u201cYou need to find it, whether that\u2019s family, friends, a group, a therapist. If you don\u2019t have the support yourself, you\u2019re not going to be a good care-giver.\u201d<\/p>\n double quotation markMy trust in the world was so shattered, I didn\u2019t feel viscerally that I could walk out the front door and not get killed<\/p>\n Though there is no linear path to recovery, Trezise found comfort in the passing of time. \u201cEven when things seemed to be absolutely impossible, somehow we kept going the next minute or the next hour,\u201d he says. \u201cAnd I think the other side of it was that we were not going to let this rapist destroy our lives. As Susan put it in her book, we were not going to finish his job for him.\u201d (The assailant, a local man, had been quickly identified and was later sentenced to 10 years for rape and attempted murder.)<\/p>\n Perhaps most healing of all was the arrival of their son, Gabriel, four years after the assault almost to the day. \u201cHaving a child was terrifically important,\u201d says Trezise. \u201cIt\u2019s magical. Here comes this creature who\u2019s absolutely unprecedented, he\u2019s new, and guess what? It\u2019s not a bad thing to be a boy. He knows nothing about this, and that was gratifying to me. Also, this is the start of a new story. It\u2019s a story that\u2019s going to be his but we can help him and he\u2019s helping create a new story for us by showing, \u2018Look, this chapter you\u2019ve been going through, it\u2019s not the only one you\u2019re going to have in your book.\u2019 It was a way for us to love each other too, through him.\u201d<\/p>\n The cover of Beginning Again depicts the Japanese art of kintsugi, where pottery is repaired with the breaks left visible, lined and lacquered in gold and silver. For Trezise, it seems apt. \u201cThings got radically changed but they can be put back together in a very beautiful way,\u201d he says. Decades on, there is still PTSD remaining for both of them. Brison will always turn around if she hears someone walking behind her, and, though they now live in a beautiful part of Vermont, she would never take a country walk alone. In Trezise\u2019s case, he struggles to contain deep panic if he has arranged to meet his wife and she isn\u2019t there. (She has learned to let him know when she\u2019s running late.) And they both have a strong startle response. \u201cHe\u2019s worse than I am!\u201d says Brison. \u201cWhen we\u2019re in the house together and one of us is about to appear in the room, we whistle or say, \u2018I\u2019m coming!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n But, trite as it may sound, they are closer for having survived this. \u201cI said it in the dedication in my book and it still brings tears to my eyes,\u201d says Brison. \u201c\u2018For Gabriel, who arrived, and Tom, who stayed.\u2019 He stayed. It wasn\u2019t easy, and lots of men don\u2019t stay. I knew, even when we were having the hardest of times, that he would stand by me.<\/p>\n \u201cI always knew that he was a good human being,\u201d she continues. \u201cHe has always been incredibly kind and generous and thoughtful. What has changed enormously is that he has become so much more aware of his feelings and able to articulate them. He has overcome decades of being socialised as a boy and man so that I don\u2019t have to read his mind any more.\u201d<\/p>\n Trezise has learned more about Brison too. \u201cThe depth of her strength is just incredible,\u201d he says. \u201cShe\u2019s so incredibly brave. Her resilience is amazing. I already knew she was a wonderful person \u2013 she\u2019s loving, she\u2019s a terrific friend to her friends \u2013 but if one thing comes out of this, it\u2019s that this is a person I can trust with everything. And I\u2019m just so lucky.\u201d<\/p>\n Beginning Again by Thomas Trezise (University of California Press, \u00a323) is published on 27 October. To support the Guardian, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.<\/em> Information and support for anyone affected by rape or sexual abuse issues is available from the following organisations. <\/em>In the UK, Rape Crisis offers support on 0808 500 2222 in England and Wales, 0808 801 0302 in Scotland, or 0800 0246 991 in Northern Ireland<\/em>. In the US, Rainn offers support on 800-656-4673. In Australia, support is available at 1800Respect (1800 737 732). Other international helplines can be found at ibiblio.org\/rcip\/internl.html<\/em> On a hot, still, silent noon, at a junction of dirt roads in rural France, Thomas Trezise stood scanning the horizon, looking and listening for his wife. He tried to soothe a deep foreboding. Susan Brison had headed out for a morning walk two hours ago. How could she be gone so long? This was<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":52448,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[56],"tags":[360,673,2306,216,2273,3948,358,17531,359,5427],"class_list":{"0":"post-52447","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-crime-justice","8":"tag-assault","9":"tag-attack","10":"tag-couple","11":"tag-destroy","12":"tag-devastating","13":"tag-lives","14":"tag-rape","15":"tag-rapist","16":"tag-sexual","17":"tag-terms"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/52447","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=52447"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/52447\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/52448"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=52447"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=52447"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=52447"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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