\n<\/p>\n
I<\/span>\u2019m sorry to break this to you, but you may be \u201cEuropoor\u201d. This is, apparently, what proud American patriots (the kind who describe themselves in those terms on their flag-forward X profiles anyway) are calling us Europeans, mocking us for our low salaries, high taxes and dependence on public transport.<\/p>\n GB news presenter Tom Harwood declared this dig \u201centirely accurate\u201d, but is it? Well, sort of. US post-pandemic GDP growth is more than double that of the eurozone (15.6% compared with 7.2%; the UK is even worse on 6.3%). As for wages, once you adjust for national differences in the cost of essentials such as housing, food and services, the US average is $86,977 compared with the UK\u2019s $66,299, Germany\u2019s $76,286 and France\u2019s $60,483, according to the OECD. A Sunday Telegraph investigation of the \u201cEuropoor\u201d question highlighted astronomically powerful growth of the US tech sector supercharged by AI, making it easy to raise and make big money unencumbered by \u201cold world\u201d regulation and taxation. \u201cWe don\u2019t want to be like what Europe has become,\u201d said the Republican pollster Brent Buchanan.<\/p>\n There are massive, obvious caveats. GDP is a wholly inadequate proxy for quality of life or even prosperity: the UN\u2019s proposed alternative dashboard of 31 indicators includes the likes of \u201crespect for the planet\u201d and wealth inequalities, against which the US would surely take a beating. US mortality rates are higher than European ones and life expectancy is lower, so, when a medical diagnosis or accident could bankrupt you, how rich do you really feel?<\/p>\n But, actually, this Europoor stuff is hitting me where it hurts: my New York-based grad student son out-earns me, and his junior nurse girlfriend is paid six figures \u2013 that\u2019s more than I made in a city law firm. Quite right \u2013 nurses should<\/em> earn more than corporate lawyers \u2013 but it\u2019s hard to imagine them ever choosing to live here in the UK (an NHS nurse\u2019s starting salary is \u00a332,073).<\/p>\n To console myself as I contemplate years of getting even Europoorer, flying long-haul to hug my son, I\u2019ve been counting the ways we\u2019re Eurorich. Sure, healthcare, social protections, holidays, blah blah \u2013 but what about the really<\/em> important stuff?<\/p>\n Cheese Bikes Saints Wholesome food Weird rulers Characterful teeth Disturbing folklore Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist<\/p>\n
<\/strong>\u201cThe United States offers over 1,000+ cheese varieties and styles,\u201d the Cheese from the USA website claims, to which I would counter: \u201cBut do any of them taste of anything?\u201d I doubt a single Freedom Cheese can clear a train carriage like a ripe \u00e9poisses.<\/p>\n
<\/strong>Apparently, Americans buy 130m bicycles a year, but I suspect that\u2019s thanks to a handful of legmaxxing California billionaires. Anyway, 130m also feels like the number of bikes parked outside Amsterdam Centraal station on any given day (in 2019, 41% of Netherlanders said the bike was their main mode of transport).<\/p>\n
<\/strong>The US has 11 saints \u2013 pathetic. I\u2019ve seen the remains of more than 11 saints in a single European mini-break; Ireland alone has an estimated 1,000.<\/p>\n
<\/strong>Let\u2019s take stock of this summer\u2019s US food safety scares. Lettuce, blueberries, jalapenos, fruit bars, granola, eggs, alfalfa sprouts, mangoes, sourdough, tofu \u2026 basically anything healthier than Flamin\u2019 Hot Cheetos is a gamble; Gwyneth Paltrow is probably claiming asylum in Puglia as I write.<\/p>\n
<\/strong>Sure, they have their stable genius, but nothing can match absolute monarchy and centuries of inbreeding for floridly unhinged leadership. Charles VI of France thought he was made of glass; the future Peter III of Russia court-martialled a rat for eating one of his toy soldiers.<\/p>\n
<\/strong>The US has, I read, \u201centered the age of veneer regret\u201d, with people rueing their decision to drop big money on massive, gleaming, Hollywood teeth. Not over here! We\u2019ve still got teeth Breugel the Elder would recognise (in the UK it\u2019s partly because we can\u2019t access affordable dentistry, but sssh).<\/p>\n
<\/strong>Scratch the surface of any European country and some weird, sinister custom emerges. At Belgium\u2019s Mat\u00ee l\u2019Oh\u00ea festival they mourn a bone by waving celery; Austria\u2019s demon-chasing Perchten festival involves dressing like a horned haystack; in Wales\u2019s <\/strong>Mari Lwyd, people take a horse skull on a pole from door to door singing for midwinter. In the name of carnival, we throw herring in northern France, execute a pretend mare in Czechia and hunt people dressed as bears all over the place. And really, what\u2019s better \u2013 purchasing power or an annual opportunity to wave celery at a bone? I know my answer.<\/p>\n