{"id":47427,"date":"2026-03-25T18:01:26","date_gmt":"2026-03-25T18:01:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/?p=47427"},"modified":"2026-03-25T18:01:26","modified_gmt":"2026-03-25T18:01:26","slug":"pondering-college-admissions-rejections","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/?p=47427","title":{"rendered":"Pondering College Admissions Rejections"},"content":{"rendered":"

\n<\/p>\n

It\u2019s that time of year when parents and students alike wait with bated breath for admissions decisions. After receiving a rejection, fury unleashes and rants unfurl\u2014\u201cBut my kid had a 4.0, a 1450 on their SAT and was a volunteer at the animal shelter!\u201d For some, there seems to be no rhyme nor reason about how decisions are made. Is it dark magic? If only a letter could be sent to parents explaining the alchemy of college admissions\u00a0\u2026 Cue mystical music and psychedelic, blurry images morphing into a photograph of beloved Fawks University and the following letter to parents.<\/p>\n

Author\u2019s Note: In the words of the producers of Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette<\/em>, \u201cThis [letter] is inspired by actual events. Certain depictions of people and events [and institutions] have been dramatized or fictionalized for storytelling purposes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Warning: Satire with intermittent crass language.<\/p>\n

Dear Parent(s),<\/p>\n

We at Fawks University regret to inform you that your student was not admitted to our esteemed university\u2019s main campus. We understand you and your student may be disappointed about not joining the Fightin\u2019 Irish Class of 2030. If you or your student has joined FAWK2030 on Instagram or Facebook, posting access is no longer available and you have been permanently blocked. Please note: All admissions decisions are final, and the university is protected against legal action as noted in clause FU2030 of the application.<\/p>\n

In past years, we have refrained from communicating admissions decisions to parents. However, we have changed this practice because some of you are insufferable Lululemon-wearing Hulken-bag-rolling Trader Joe\u2019s\u2013pizza\u2013eating lunatics who will call to scream at 24-year-old admissions counselors until they cry; write threatening, expletive-laden letters to the university president; and initiate inflammatory Reddit threads.<\/p>\n

Today, we offer a list of 11 possible reasons (Fawks was founded in 1911!) your student was not selected for admission:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. FU-designed AI determined that your student\u2019s essay was written by AI. (This letter was also reviewed by AI, and it suggested a softer tone but we rejected the recommendations. The university has adopted a policy to let individuals, including faculty, decide whether or not to use AI in their work.)<\/li>\n
  2. Admissions counselors were only able to review 25,000 of the 62,000 applications due to time constraints. (RE: Your student\u2019s application was number 25,001-plus. Your student is an idiot and never listens to you; they should have applied earlier as you instructed. It is important to note that the prefrontal cortex of the brain\u2014responsible for planning\u2014is not fully developed until the age of 25.) The Common App is a nightmare for us. Instead of students applying to five schools like they did back in the day, now they apply to 15. There aren\u2019t more students applying to college. There are fewer but they apply to more schools, making it impossible for us to process all applications and predict who will attend. We use AI to assist in processing applications, but AI still sucks. A further diatribe about this issue is forthcoming under separate cover.<\/li>\n
  3. The university admits one student from every town in the state. There was one student in your town who was smarter than your student, and he plays three instruments (flute, glockenspiel and bagpipes) and tours with Shen Yun<\/em> and the revival of River Dance<\/em>. The FU College of Performing Arts needs those skills for the marching band and demographics to improve Washington Monthly<\/em>\u2019s rankings.<\/li>\n
  4. There were no available spots in the FU College of Business because the football team requires classes that don\u2019t conflict with practice. As you might understand, their parents know they need a backup plan if they aren\u2019t picked up by the NFL.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
      \n
    1. While we strive to meet all students\u2019 nutritional needs, the limit on admits who require second breakfast and elevenses is 25 for first-time, full-time students due to restrictions mandated in our Aramark contract.<\/li>\n
    2. The admissions counselor may have faced unforeseen circumstances (some individuals were overserved at Corby\u2019s after the recent FU home game) impacting their review of your student\u2019s application. That individual is no longer with the university and has moved on to pursue other opportunities in the beverage industry.<\/li>\n
    3. The admissions counselor may not have connected with the story about your student playing table tennis at the country club with Muriel Puce. We have recently learned the anecdote was lifted from the film adaptation of the book Auntie Mame <\/em>by Patrick Dennis. (The admissions counselor is a millennial, not a boomer.) Plagiarism is not tolerated at FU. Also, the admissions team universally loathes the film Marty Supreme<\/em> and thinks Timoth\u00e9e Chalamet\u2019s white suit at the Oscars gave 1950s soda jerk vibes. Furthermore, Fawks University is very proud of its performing arts department\u2019s focus on opera and ballet.<\/li>\n
    4. Being a Delta legacy doesn\u2019t have the cachet it once did.<\/li>\n
    5. Your student\u2019s essay on leadership skills and creating a fight club at FU with the chapter named FU Conor McGregor was intriguing but ultimately inappropriate. Fawks University\u2019s mascot is a boxing leprechaun, but the institution upholds behavioral standards and does not condone fighting, regardless of background or heritage.<\/li>\n
    6. Admissions counselors were not impressed that your student aced FASH101: The History of Polka Dots in their dual-enrollment class and designed a line of faux fur panties for their high school\u2019s fashion merchandising club\u2019s fundraiser.<\/li>\n
    7. Acceptance to the Marketing and Communications Department is highly competitive. An admissions essay proposing new university taglines like \u201cLearn, Get Laid,\u201d \u201cFU, FMe\u201d and \u201cFor Fawks\u2019 Sake\u201d is so 2010; we\u2019ve heard it all before.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      These points represent only a sampling of the possible reasons your student didn\u2019t receive admission to FU\u2019s main campus. However, the good news is that even though your student didn\u2019t apply to the university\u2019s Johnstown campus, they have been admitted there. Congratulations!<\/p>\n

      If your student still wishes to attend Fawks University and your family\u2019s income makes them ineligible for financial aid, please let us know and we will send you an application for the London campus. The cost of attendance is $250,000 per year, not including room and board. (Please note: There are no dining services and no adult supervision on this campus.) Alternatively, the benefit for a seven-figure gift to the university is guaranteed admission and no cost for the first semester (tuition only) to the Oakland campus.<\/p>\n

      Thank you again for your interest in Fawks University. We wish you and your student the best in all future endeavors. FU Forever!<\/p>\n

      Onward,<\/p>\n

      Mike Hunt<\/p>\n

      Assistant Dean of Admissions<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      It\u2019s that time of year when parents and students alike wait with bated breath for admissions decisions. After receiving a rejection, fury unleashes and rants unfurl\u2014\u201cBut my kid had a 4.0, a 1450 on their SAT and was a volunteer at the animal shelter!\u201d For some, there seems to be no rhyme nor reason about<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":47428,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[57],"tags":[8227,535,23987,18503],"class_list":{"0":"post-47427","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-education","8":"tag-admissions","9":"tag-college","10":"tag-pondering","11":"tag-rejections"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47427","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=47427"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47427\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/47428"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=47427"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=47427"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=47427"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}