\n<\/p>\n
I<\/span> was half-watching the latest series of the Netflix romcom Nobody Wants This when suddenly things got interesting. Spoiler alert: it had just been revealed that one of the characters (Morgan) was in a relationship with her newly ex-therapist (Dr Andy). While some of the characters freaked out, declaring the relationship very concerning, I felt a frisson of excitement. Because I, too, have harboured the desire to date my therapist.<\/p>\n As it turns out, this fantasy is neither unusual nor unexpected. \u201cPsychoanalysis almost insists<\/em> on transference,\u201d explains psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber, using the term coined by Sigmund Freud, the founding father of psychoanalysis, in his 1895 work Studies on Hysteria. The basic premise is that the patient projects old feelings, attitudes, desires or fantasies on to their therapist. This can manifest in numerous ways \u2013 often at the same time \u2013 covering the whole gamut of emotions and relationships, from love to hate, maternal to erotic, and everything in between.<\/p>\n While relationships between clients and therapists are generally frowned on \u2013 even once the therapy has ended \u2013 they do happen, and, like transference, have\u00a0been a feature of \u201cthe talking cure\u201d since the start,\u00a0with Carl Jung entering into a romantic relationship with a patient.<\/p>\n \u201cI think that many people fall in love with their therapists, because why wouldn\u2019t they?\u201d says Sally Openshaw, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist. \u201cYou\u2019ve got someone who\u2019s listening exclusively, who\u2019s\u00a0fully attentive, who\u2019s doing everything they can\u00a0to be alongside you. And that means idolisation of the therapist is very likely to occur.\u201d<\/p>\n I can relate. I have a hugely supportive group of friends; however, there\u2019s something about the way my therapist listens, the look of compassion in his eyes, that just hits different. It doesn\u2019t help that in many ways he seems to be exactly what I\u2019m looking for in a partner. We\u2019re around the same age (I think; annoyingly, he\u2019s incredibly discreet and not prone to self-disclosure), and he\u2019s kind, intelligent and attractive. So, while the sane part of my brain understands that I don\u2019t really know who he is outside the therapy room, there is also no doubt in my mind that if he popped up on a dating app, I would swipe right immediately.<\/p>\n double quotation markI felt embarrassed and guilty, and worried that it\u00a0might be considered emotional cheating<\/p>\n Kat, 28, works in customer service. She has been having consulations with her therapist for a year and says she has found the \u201cempathy and consistent support\u201d she offers to be intoxicating. \u201cEverything about the way she engages makes me feel a way I haven\u2019t felt in years \u2013 probably since the start of my relationship with my now husband,\u201d she tells me, explaining that she was just four sessions in when she began noticing \u201ca strong, intense attraction\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cDuring sessions, I found myself trying to make her laugh and wanting her to like me, and after they ended there was this hollow feeling and I would feel restless until the next one,\u201d she says. \u201cSometimes I wish I had never told her I was married, because the fantastic, illogical part of my brain thinks that then I would have a chance with her.\u201d<\/p>\n Daniel\u2019s romantic transference was more of a slow burner, surfacing about eight months after he started therapy. \u201cTruthfully, it was a really bad time for me to start processing trauma,\u201d he tells me, explaining that his wife had just given birth to their second child. For his part, the 38-year-old admits that he wasn\u2019t \u201cas present a father as I would like to have been\u201d, while he says his wife \u201cwasn\u2019t as kind and caring as she could have been, and I received a lot of anger from her\u201d.<\/p>\n While Daniel insists that he doesn\u2019t blame his wife \u2013 \u201cThis isn\u2019t me saying she\u2019s not a good spouse; she just didn\u2019t have the emotional bandwidth to assist me\u201d \u2013 he now sees how this difficult dynamic led him to project romantic feelings on to his therapist. \u201cThere was this juxtaposition of, I go home and I feel like I\u2019m\u00a0not enough, whereas I would go to therapy and I would get that kindness and compassion that I was needing in that moment,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n When Emma, 31, first started experiencing feelings of transference \u2013 for a sex therapist she was seeing with her wife \u2013 it manifested as an obsessive crush. \u201cI\u00a0started thinking about her often, and it would bring me a lot of warmth but also pain, because I knew that nothing could ever come of these feelings,\u201d she says. \u201cI would Google her name and try to find out more about her. I\u2019d keep looking at her picture on the clinic\u2019s website, and I\u2019d sometimes check the website of a university where she\u2019s a professor to see if there was anything about her or her class.\u201d<\/p>\n Soon, however, her feelings took on an erotic charge. \u201cShe was giving us homework around sex and masturbation, and she would often pop into my mind during those moments and became part of my\u00a0fantasies,\u201d she says. The erotic transference began only after they started \u201cdelving deep into emotional aspects and I started feeling more connected to her\u201d.<\/p>\n Clover, 35, also described how feelings of connection and safety morphed into erotic transference within a\u00a0couple of months of starting therapy. She says: \u201cOne day I noticed that just the thought<\/em> of speaking with my therapist was arousing.\u201d In the weeks and months since that first time, her fantasies have only intensified, growing in frequency and becoming increasingly explicit. \u201cSometimes I\u2019ll get a flash of doing a sexual act,\u201d she says. \u201cMore often it happens outside of the session, but occasionally it\u2019s in session, too.\u201d<\/p>\n Aside from Clover \u2013 who studied psychology in college and says that when the erotic transference started she thought, \u201cOh, I know what\u2019s going on, this can be a good thing!\u201d \u2013 no one I spoke to was aware of the phenomenon before they experienced it, which made their feelings all the more disconcerting.<\/p>\n \u201cI felt embarrassed and guilty, and worried that it\u00a0might be considered emotional cheating,\u201d says Kat. It\u00a0was only after she stumbled across a post about romantic transference on TikTok that she realised her feelings probably weren\u2019t the \u201cgenuine romantic attraction\u201d she had assumed. Daniel had a similar journey, initially feeling immense shame, before finding some clarity on message boards on Reddit. \u201cIt\u00a0takes effort not to spiral if you\u2019re not aware that it\u2019s going to happen,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n Another common theme was that none of the people I spoke to had felt able to fully admit their feelings to their therapist \u2013 or their partners. Clover came the closest, once telling her therapist about a dream she\u2019d had that included a sexual encounter between the two of them, but said she felt disappointed by his response. He seemed \u201cneither judgmental nor overly interested\u201d in her disclosure, she tells me, adding that she felt his response was \u201ccareful\u201d; that there was \u201cjust the slightest bit of hesitancy on his part\u201d.<\/p>\n double quotation markThe first thing I say to any friend when they talk about their feelings about their therapist is: say it to the therapist<\/p>\n For the others, the fear of destroying their therapeutic relationship or upsetting their spouse means they are left to deal with these intense and confusing feelings alone. \u201cIt felt like punishment. I have these feelings, I\u00a0can\u2019t tell anyone about it, and I just have to feel them alone and hope that they vanish,\u201d Emma says. \u201cI didn\u2019t want to disclose this to the therapist in an individual session, because that would be creating secrets and that\u2019s not how couples therapy is supposed to work. And part of the reason we sought sex therapy was due to how undesired my partner felt, so I thought disclosing the erotic transference would have been disastrous.\u201d<\/p>\n Fox Weber, who touches on the subject in her book What We Want: A Journey Through Twelve of Our Deepest Desires, says, \u201cIt really upsets me when I hear about therapists responding awkwardly or shutting the conversation down. The first thing I tell any friend when they talk about their feelings about their therapist is: say it to the therapist. How can you not tell your therapist that you\u2019re having erotic dreams about them? It is the<\/em> space for uncensoring yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n Openshaw \u2013 who runs training in how to work safely with erotic transference and countertransference, and is now writing a book on the subject \u2013 believes avoiding these conversations \u201cstops the client being in real contact with a therapist\u201d. Once that happens, she says, \u201cthe material that needs to be discussed in therapy is left out\u201d.<\/p>\n She tells me that erotic transference in particular is \u201ca royal road into past trauma and past developmental needs. It\u2019s not about the sexual contact, actually; it\u2019s usually a manifestation of something else.\u201d She says this could be old memories, or even a kind of test for the therapist to see if they could handle this kind of revelation. \u201cThat\u2019s why, if you leave clients in isolation with it, they develop their own fantasies and shame themselves. And I think that does a lot of damage.\u201d<\/p>\n Then there\u2019s countertransference: the feelings a\u00a0therapist experiences in relation to a client. The classical Freudian definition posits that countertransference is simply a reaction to the client\u2019s transference \u2013 something Openshaw and Fox Weber both reject in favour of a more modern, relational outlook.<\/p>\n \u201cMy feelings may be in response to the client, but it might be my own history that\u2019s stirring up,\u201d Openshaw tells me. And Fox Weber says, \u201cI think that it\u2019s rich for opportunity when it\u2019s acknowledged that there are two people in the room contributing to a dynamic. It\u2019s always valuable to consider the feelings that you have about someone and to question and be interested in whether it\u2019s about you, about them or about something in between.\u201d<\/p>\n Both Openshaw and Fox Weber take pride in welcoming transference and countertransference into their therapy rooms. \u201cI make space for the possibility right at the start,\u201d Openshaw tells me. \u201cWhat I\u2019m\u00a0basically saying is, this will feel confusing and awkward, but it\u2019s really important if it happens that either of us bring it out into our therapeutic relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n The problem, she explains, is that erotic transference and countertransference is \u201ca completely avoided topic in many, many trainings\u201d, meaning that a good deal of therapists simply don\u2019t know how to work with them. The reasons for this are complex, she says. \u201cMost of the training that I\u2019ve had was saying \u2018don\u2019t\u2019; it was a\u00a0danger\u2011threat. And so, because it\u2019s not normalised, people get frightened and don\u2019t know what to do next.\u201d<\/p>\n Openshaw believes that attempting to ignore erotic countertransference leaves therapists at risk, rather than protecting them. \u201cOnce it\u2019s gone into the shadows, your vulnerability to acting it out is very much higher,\u201d she says. Ultimately, if you don\u2019t confront it, she warns, you might end up behaving inappropriately.<\/p>\n double quotation markNeuroscience-wise, the sensation of yearning is real. But the meaning that then gets put on it \u2013 I want to have sex with my therapist, I want to be loved by my therapist \u2013 is incorrect<\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t help that therapy in the UK is not regulated, meaning that anyone can call themselves a therapist or counsellor whether or not they have the relevant qualifications (some titles, including clinical psychologist and counselling psychologist, are protected). In the place of formal oversight, there are a number of professional bodies, of which the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) is the largest. \u201cOur members are required to abide by our ethical framework, which prohibits sexual or romantic relationships with current clients,\u201d a BACP spokesperson tells me. When a complaint about a\u00a0member is received, BACP says it provides \u201ca fair, balanced and thorough conduct process\u201d, explaining: \u201cIf\u00a0they are found through this process to have breached our ethical framework, they will face a sanction, which may result in the withdrawal of their membership.\u201d<\/p>\n Fox Weber has a slightly more nuanced take on whether relationships between therapist and client should be banned. \u201cI really try to not be judgmental and purist about this,\u201d she says, explaining she knows of two couples, both in their 80s, who met in the therapy room and appear to be in happy, healthy relationships. She also tells me about the \u201cmistreatment\u201d she witnessed of a psychotherapist who began a relationship with an ex-patient. \u201cThe shaming response to the whole thing seemed appalling and hypocritical to me,\u201d she says, explaining that the couple had tried their best to be \u201chonourable\u201d about it, terminating therapy and waiting some time before seeing each other romantically.<\/p>\n However, Fox Weber acknowledges that this is a\u00a0boundary that should never be crossed lightly, saying: \u201cIt\u2019s really up to the therapist to be rigorously self\u2011aware if there is an exceptional situation, or if\u00a0there\u2019s a\u00a0narcissistic pattern of taking advantage of making people feel special.\u201d<\/p>\n While many people fantasise about having a\u00a0relationship with their therapist, Sara, 37, is in the minority of people for whom that became a reality. \u201cI\u00a0felt completely seen, loved and safe,\u201d she says of the early days of the romance. However, as with Morgan in Nobody Wants This, things quickly took a turn for the worse.<\/p>\n \u201cShe\u2019s poly and married, and her partner was aware and said he approved \u2026 until he didn\u2019t,\u201d Sara says. \u201cShe strung me along for a couple of weeks, before telling me we\u2019d take a few months\u2019 break so she could see if her marriage could be saved. I got sick of waiting and told her I couldn\u2019t do it any more. She all of a sudden found boundaries and blocked me, and we haven\u2019t talked since. It was then I decided to report her, and that\u2019s when her licensing board stepped in.\u201d<\/p>\n The fallout was catastrophic. \u201cI\u2019m not exaggerating when I say she, and this situation, destroyed my life,\u201d says Sara, whose ex-therapist turned lover lost her licence for a year, and was on probation for a further year after that. \u201cI had a complete breakdown. Lost my job, failed grad school classes and eventually had to withdraw. I am currently unable to work. It\u2019s over two years later and my life is still a shambles.\u201d<\/p>\n As time has gone on, Sara has come to believe the romance was doomed from the start, and is doubtful that a relationship between a therapist and former patient could ever be healthy or equal. \u201cI think it would be a very rare case for it to work out,\u201d she says. \u201cI\u2019ve\u00a0only just recently realised that the power imbalance never went away. The way she knew how to meet my needs and reassure me was solely because of her clinical insight. I inherently trusted her because of the foundation we built in therapy. It was her job, her ethical duty, to protect me. And she chose not to.\u201d<\/p>\n Sara\u2019s may be a cautionary tale, but for those in the throes of romantic or erotic transference or countertransference, the fantasies can feel hard to resist or rationalise. \u201cNeuroscience-wise, the sensation of yearning is real,\u201d says Openshaw. \u201cBut the meaning that then gets put on it \u2013 I want to have sex with my therapist, I want to be loved by my therapist \u2013 is incorrect.\u201d Fox\u00a0Weber agrees, cautioning that while \u201cyour feelings are valid, they\u2019re not necessarily final. I have had countertransference feelings that I have experienced intensely for time periods, and then they moved into something else. I\u2019m very grateful that I\u00a0didn\u2019t act out on those feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n As for my crush, two and a half years on, I find my therapist as charming as ever, but have no desire to act on my feelings (not least because I am sure I would be rejected, and who needs that?). Thankfully, I have no shortage of other material to discuss at my weekly sessions, so while I have Openshaw and Fox Weber\u2019s words ringing in my ears \u2013 telling me that I can\u2019t do \u201cthe work\u201d if I\u2019m not showing up with full honesty \u2013 for now, I have decided to keep my feelings to myself (and pray that he doesn\u2019t see this article!).<\/p>\n Some names have been changed<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I was half-watching the latest series of the Netflix romcom Nobody Wants This when suddenly things got interesting. Spoiler alert: it had just been revealed that one of the characters (Morgan) was in a relationship with her newly ex-therapist (Dr Andy). While some of the characters freaked out, declaring the relationship very concerning, I felt<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":45082,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[51],"tags":[10655,10875,23273,1141,359,5797,628],"class_list":{"0":"post-45081","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-counselling","9":"tag-fancy","10":"tag-fantasies","11":"tag-pop","12":"tag-sexual","13":"tag-therapist","14":"tag-therapy"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45081","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=45081"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45081\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/45082"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=45081"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=45081"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=45081"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}