\n<\/p>\n
Plan breaks in your schedule<\/strong> Practi<\/strong>se staying grounded<\/strong> Prepare safe topics of conversation (and\u00a0ones\u00a0to\u00a0avoid)<\/strong> Bring a silly game<\/strong> Remind yourself what typical actually is. Most people don\u2019t have close, warm and supportive relationships<\/p>\n Gather your support network<\/strong> Fill up your cup<\/strong> Manage your expectations<\/strong> Consider <\/strong>the best<\/strong>-case scenario<\/strong> Dig into your feelings<\/strong> Let them do the talking<\/strong> Take deep breaths<\/strong> If you feel things getting heated, find a reason to move away, like going to the bathroom or putting the kettle on<\/p>\n Rate your feelings<\/strong> Employ exit strategies<\/strong> Acknowledge your feelings<\/strong> Write it down<\/strong> Try therapy<\/strong> Lean into the things that make you feel good. Connect with your troops \u2013 those people with whom you feel safe<\/p>\n Reflect on your role<\/strong> Recharge and relax<\/strong> Before you see them \u2026 Plan breaks in your scheduleSpending time with difficult family members requires careful planning, says Katie Rose, a therapist registered\u00a0with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the founder of TherapEast. \u201cIf you\u2019re going to stay with somebody for three or four days, find ways to politely give yourself<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":38481,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[9342,3656,2906,21068,2640],"class_list":{"0":"post-38480","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-social-issues","8":"tag-christmas","9":"tag-enjoy","10":"tag-family","11":"tag-scream","12":"tag-survive"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38480","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=38480"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38480\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/38481"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=38480"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=38480"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=38480"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
Spending time with difficult family members requires careful planning, says Katie Rose, a therapist registered\u00a0with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the founder of TherapEast. \u201cIf you\u2019re going to stay with somebody for three or four days, find ways to politely give yourself a break. Go for lunch with friends who live locally, or book a ticket to a\u00a0museum or a National Trust place so that you have ways of getting yourself out of the house.\u201d Tamara Hoyton, a\u00a0senior practitioner for Relate at Family Action, agrees that scheduling breaks is a\u00a0good strategy. \u201cArrange a trip out, or offer to cook so that you\u2019re away from the living room where everyone else is,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we are coping with difficult situations and conversations, it\u2019s important to stay grounded and\u00a0present, so that our thoughts and feelings don\u2019t spiral,\u201d says BACP-registered counsellor Georgina Sturmer. Practise grounding exercises in advance, so you can use them in tricky moments. Sturmer recommends the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. \u201cNotice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things\u00a0you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste,\u201d she says. \u201cThis helps us connect to the environment that we\u2019re in, so we\u2019re more present and less anxious.\u201d<\/p>\n
From politics to parenting styles, there are all kinds of things you might not want to get into with certain family members. Determine what these are and come up with some non-contentious alternatives. You could even prepare some phrases to say if you\u2019re uncomfortable, says Lucy Blake, the author of Home Truths: The Facts and Fictions of Family Life and a\u00a0senior lecturer in\u00a0psychology at the University of the West of England, whose research focuses on family relationships. \u201cThink about some likely scenarios and ways you could respond,\u201d says Blake. You could try to redirect the conversation and move it on, or say things like, \u201cI\u00a0find this a difficult topic to talk about\u201d, she suggests. Thinking ahead is key, agrees Rose. \u201cNotice what the difficult conversations are. When you can spot the trap, it\u2019s easier to avoid it,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
Come armed with distractions, like group activities or games. But choose carefully \u2013 now is not the time for potentially controversial games like Cards Against Humanity. \u201cBring something innocuous or ridiculous to distract people, like trivia cards, a game or some music you want to share,\u201d says Hoyton.<\/p>\n
At some point, you\u2019ll probably need to vent about your family. Work out who you can lean on, which Blake describes as \u201cgathering your troops\u201d. This could be one person who understands your situation, or a WhatsApp chat with a group of friends \u2013 anything to \u201cwrap as much kindness around you as you can\u201d, says Blake. Also, think about who your allies are at the family gathering. \u201cHave a code word for when you\u2019re struggling,\u201d suggests Hoyton. \u201cSo if you say, \u2018Have we got any bourbon biscuits?\u2019, you\u2019re trying to say, \u2018Can you get me out of the room?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Plan some simple self-care activities that will make you feel good ahead of fraught interactions. Think about \u201chow you can create some joy for yourself\u201d, says Blake, whether that\u2019s making your favourite meals or having a stack of great books to read. Rose echoes this and suggests eating nourishing food, limiting alcohol and\u00a0getting outside for a walk or run, so that you \u201ccome into this situation feeling good about yourself\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen researchers look at the different qualities of a relationship,\u201d says Blake, \u201cfewer than a quarter of\u00a0people have those relationships we think of as the ideal \u2013 close, warm and supportive. There can be comfort in reminding yourself of what typical actually is.\u201d Look back on previous interactions to \u201cbuild realistic predictions\u201d of what to expect \u2013 think about how you felt last time, what came up and what the trigger points were. According to Hoyton, we place greater expectations on family members than on friends, and should keep things realistic. \u201cAccept that there are limitations in terms of how you get on with that person. Once you\u2019ve made peace with that, your interactions will be different,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re dealing with relatives who you often argue with or who have opposing views to you, it can feel hard to set that aside. Hoyton suggests asking yourself: what do you want out of this? \u201cIs it more important to try to change them, or do you just want to maintain family relations? You might not like them, but at least you\u2019ll get through it.\u201d Visualisations can be powerful, too, says Hoyton. Instead of thinking about things going wrong, visualise the situation in a positive way.<\/p>\n
Take some time to reflect on why you find these interactions difficult. \u201cNo one wants to spend time with\u00a0someone who is vindictive, aggressive or judgmental, but when you\u2019re thinking about this person, notice what comes up for you,\u201d says Sturmer. \u201cThose feelings might be anger, frustration, anxiety or\u00a0embarrassment. Be\u00a0curious about why they are\u00a0there. Are they based in the present or the past? Are they rational?\u201d This kind of reflective thinking can\u00a0provide\u00a0some perspective, suggests Sturmer. \u201cOnce\u00a0we develop this type of self\u2011awareness, it can become much easier to understand \u2013 and sometimes challenge \u2013 our responses.\u201d<\/p>\nOn the big day \u2026<\/strong><\/h2>\n
When talking to a tricky relative, consider their interests. \u201cThink about what will appeal to them in order to diffuse the situation,\u201d says Hoyton. You could ask about a holiday they\u2019ve been on, or their new job. \u201cYou might not be remotely interested, so zone out by\u00a0all\u00a0means, but let them speak,\u201d says Hoyton. Asking open questions will allow the other person to take the\u00a0lead, advises Sturmer. \u201cA simple \u2018What\u2019s new with you?\u2019 or, \u2018What have you been up to since we last\u00a0got\u00a0together?\u2019 are the easiest ways to start. Responses like, \u2018Tell me\u00a0more\u00a0about that\u2019 or \u2018How did\u00a0you end up doing that?\u2019 should keep the conversation flowing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt seems maddeningly simple but breathing can make a difference, and the research around it is strong. For example, marines are trained to go into box breathing\u00a0to\u00a0change their physiology quickly,\u201d says Blake. Box\u00a0breathing involves four steps, and\u00a0you\u00a0count\u00a0to four for each one: inhale through your nose, hold your breath, exhale through your nose and then hold your breath. Sturmer is a fan of five\u2011finger breathing: \u201cUse the index finger of one hand to trace up\u00a0and down each finger of the other hand, inhaling slowly as you travel up, and exhaling as you\u00a0move\u00a0down.\u201d<\/p>\n
When things get tense or you can feel your anxiety\u00a0levels rocketing, Hoyton advises thinking about how you\u2019re feeling on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being \u201cI\u2019m\u00a0going\u00a0to\u00a0scream\u201d and one being \u201cI\u2019m\u00a0really\u00a0laid\u00a0back\u201d. \u201cCheck in with yourself,\u201d she says. \u201cIf it\u2019s at a seven, think about what will get you\u00a0to\u00a0a\u00a0six or a five. What do you need to do? Is it breathing? A\u00a0distraction? Fresh air? All of those things are legitimate requests.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sometimes the best way of avoiding conflict or stress\u00a0is to remove yourself from the situation. \u201cMake up a friend that\u2019s going to call you, so you can say: \u2018Oh,\u00a0I\u00a0just\u00a0remembered, I\u2019m supposed to speak\u00a0to Hannah,\u2019\u201d says Hoyton. Rose also recommends thinking about ways to \u201cpolitely extricate yourself from situations\u201d. She adds: \u201cIf you feel things getting heated, find a reason to move away, like going to the bathroom or putting the kettle on. Give yourself a bit of space to calm down.\u201d Apps like Calm and Headspace can be handy in these moments, for quick meditations and breathing exercises. \u201cIf you avoid the argument, then you don\u2019t get into a situation where everybody\u2019s wound up,\u201d says Rose.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re feeling angry or upset during a family gathering, try to practise self-compassion, says Blake. \u201cAppreciate that these moments of anger, hurt, disconnection or isolation are common in family relationships, so let\u2019s not shame ourselves for having them.\u201d She recommends looking up Dr Kristin Neff, who\u00a0specialises in self\u2011compassion and has a website with various resources. \u201cShe has exercises where you place your hand on your heart, give yourself a\u00a0reassuring, affirmative, gentle touch, and say things like: \u2018This is a moment of struggle, and this is a common struggle.\u2019 It can be helpful.\u201d<\/p>\nAfter it\u2019s all over \u2026<\/strong><\/h2>\n
After a fraught few days with family, you might find you can\u2019t stop thinking about how things went. In these\u00a0moments, it can help to put pen to paper. \u201cIf\u00a0something evokes anxiety in us, we can keep chewing it over and become obsessive. When you write it down, it\u2019s a way of getting it out of your head. What did you experience? What were the feelings? What helped you?\u201d says Hoyton. Sturmer agrees. \u201cThere\u2019s a lot of evidence to show that articulating our feelings in a journal can help us to feel less anxious,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re reeling from the time spent with your family, or you feel you keep repeating the same patterns with them, therapy might help. \u201cTherapy offers a space where you can get to grips with how you feel and how you respond to other people, without fear of judgment,\u201d says Sturmer. \u201cI\u2019m always keen to get to the roots of why we feel the way that we do, to notice why we respond to certain people or situations in certain ways, where these feelings come from, and what it might be like for things to be different.\u201d This could be short-term therapy or a single session, says Rose. \u201cEven a short amount of time spent talking things through can be helpful.\u201d<\/p>\n
Once the dust has settled, it might be worth digging into exactly what happened and what your role was. \u201cIf you\u2019ve stormed into a family environment and created a fuss, sometimes it is about apologising and recognising where you\u2019ve gone wrong, or your part in this interaction,\u201d says Rose. It could be that there was nothing you could do to make things better \u2013 in which case, acknowledge that too: \u201cSometimes, family members are just difficult. Recognise that nothing you do will change the situation, and focus on what you can control, which is your own actions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLean into the things that make you feel good and like yourself,\u201d says Blake. \u201cConnect with your troops \u2013 those people with whom you feel safe.\u201d Blake suggests being very intentional with how you spend the days afterwards, whether that\u2019s making plans to speak to people on the phone or see them in person, or getting back into your regular routine and doing hobbies you enjoy. \u201cSeek out the people and places that make your nervous system feel relaxed,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"