\n<\/p>\n
For months after her relationship ended, Anna* couldn\u2019t stop thinking about him.<\/p>\n
Each morning she\u2019d wake with a jolt of grief; an intense, almost physical feeling that morphed into thoughts of him that consumed nearly every waking hour.<\/p>\n
Most nights she fell asleep playing mental reruns of conversations and imagined reconciliations in her mind.<\/p>\n
For many people, longing like this sits within the broad terrain of ordinary romantic yearning. The kind often lamented in poetry, music and film. But for Anna, what began as familiar ache slowly intensified, becoming almost unbearable.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt felt invasive,\u201d she says. \u201cLike my own mind was stalking me.\u201d<\/p>\n
At first Anna thought she was simply struggling to move on from her ex-partner. But when the obsessive thoughts escalated, she sought help from her therapist. This wasn\u2019t just ordinary longing, the therapist told her. This was limerence.<\/p>\n
The term was coined in the 1970s by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who documented people experiencing overwhelming, involuntary infatuation. Half a century later, the concept is resurfacing, amplified by technology, loneliness and the therapeutic language now embedded in everyday culture. Limerence is not a clinical diagnosis, nor is it recognised in the DSM-5, the main reference guide for mental health and brain conditions; it\u2019s a descriptive concept rather than a disorder.<\/p>\n
Orly Miller, a psychologist and the author of Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much, to be published next month,describes it as \u201can intense psychological state of obsessive longing for another person\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s characterised by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency and a powerful desire for reciprocation,\u201d she explains. \u201cUnlike ordinary attraction or infatuation, limerence involves obsession, emotional volatility and disruption to daily life.\u201d<\/p>\n
She adds: \u201cIn today\u2019s digital world, uncertainty and intermittent contact \u2013 the very conditions that feed limerence \u2013 are everywhere. Social media keeps people hovering on the edge of connection, sustaining fantasy and emotional ambiguity.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cycle can look like compulsion: constantly checking phones, replaying memories, idealising moments and imagining future encounters. \u201cIt\u2019s not just in the head,\u201d Miller says. \u201cIt\u2019s a full-body stress response. The nervous system becomes dysregulated, swinging between excitement and panic.\u201d<\/p>\n
Associate Prof Sam Shpall, who teaches moral philosophy at the University of Sydney, cautions against seeing limerence only as pathology.<\/p>\n
\u201cTennov rejected the view that limerence is inherently unhealthy,\u201d he says. \u201cIt\u2019s a distinctive form of human longing, transformative and sometimes destabilising, yes, but not necessarily bad \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a perennial theme in literature and art \u2013 the ecstasy and agony of this special form of desire for someone who may or may not want you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The experience reveals something about the shape of our vulnerability and our yearning to be seenSam Shpall, philosopher<\/p>\n
Limerence overlaps with what researchers call passionate love, a normal, often intense stage of early romantic development that is often likened to addiction.<\/p>\n
Dr Emma Marshall, the deputy director of Deakin University\u2019s Science of Adult Relationships Lab, says passionate love is a common and intense experience.<\/p>\n
\u201cPassionate love should be adaptive and beneficial for relationships \u2013 passionate love should facilitate the forming of a secure attachment.\u201d<\/p>\n
Marshall notes that while Tennov\u2019s limerence theory has not been frequently studied, related concepts in relationship science, such as obsessive romantic love or \u201cmania love\u201d, shows that passionate love becomes concerning when it \u201cbecomes an obsession that disrupts daily functioning, wellbeing and occurs within unsatisfying and unhealthy relationships\u201d.<\/p>\n
In moderate forms, limerence can be benign, even creative, Miller says. But when fantasy replaces reality, it can cause profound disconnection.<\/p>\n
\u201cFantasy offers comfort,\u201d she argues, \u201cbut it distances you from reality and from yourself. The limerent object becomes a screen on to which we project everything we long for \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople may believe they\u2019ve found a soulmate or twin flame. Yet what they\u2019re really encountering are disowned parts of themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n
The clinical research is still lacking but Marshall says limerence is thought to be fuelled by uncertainty, andis believed to be different from other feelings because \u201cthe experience is uncontrollable\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the passionate love is not reciprocated, it of course brings strong and intense negative feelings, but these should dissipate over time, especially when new people are found to meet relationship needs.\u201d<\/p>\n
Phoebe Rogers, a clinical psychologist, says some people may be more vulnerable to these experiences. \u201cThose who have experienced trauma, a one-sided, unrequited love was often modelled to them early in life; or unsafe, unhealthy forms of love,\u201d she says. \u201cThose with a more insecure attachment style are thought to be more at risk.\u201d<\/p>\n
Limerence becomes unhealthy when it interferes with work, relationships or self-esteem.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf thoughts of the other dominate your life, if you\u2019re in distress and can\u2019t stop despite trying, that\u2019s when help is needed,\u201d Miller says.<\/p>\n
Therapy can help individuals regulate emotions, recognise idealisation and understand the attachment wounds that fuel obsession.<\/p>\n
\u201cArt and popular music routinely frame persistence as virtue,\u201d Shpall says. \u201cIn reality, persistence against stated boundaries is a reliable marker of harm. Limerence doesn\u2019t excuse it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Miller agrees: \u201cWe\u2019ve been taught that the highest form of love is intensity. Films, music and even self-help culture romanticise the chase, the longing, the pain. But true intimacy is about safety and reciprocity, not emotional chaos.\u201d<\/p>\n
For some, the forces that heighten connection, such as proximity, technology, and emotional uncertainty, can blur boundaries. What begins as longing can, under stress or rejection, slip into repeated contact or attempts to re-establish closeness in ways that cross lines, such as stalking.<\/p>\n
Miller stresses that limerence is not the same as stalking or erotomania, a psychological condition associated with some types of stalking.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn erotomania, a person holds a fixed delusion that the other loves them,\u201d she says. \u201cLimerent people usually know their feelings may not be reciprocated. Their behaviour, like repeatedly checking someone\u2019s social media, is driven by anxiety, not by control or malice.\u201d<\/p>\n
Recognising limerence for what it is can be liberating, Miller says. \u201cWhen people realise this isn\u2019t love, this is limerence, they start to reclaim their energy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey can ask what is this longing really about? Often it points to neglected parts of the self \u2013 unmet needs for validation, safety or excitement.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rogers agrees that limerence often reflects unmet needs. \u201cWe all have a desire, longing for love, connection, closeness, security with another,\u201d she says. \u201cOften it\u2019s meeting a deeper, core need.\u201d<\/p>\n
Where popular psychology tends to pathologise limerence, philosophers like Shpall see in it clues about human meaning. \u201cTo experience limerence is to confront desire in one of its rawest forms,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe experience reveals something about the shape of our vulnerability and our yearning to be seen. It is too common and too commonly valued to be conceptualised as merely a problem.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe the goal isn\u2019t to eliminate limerence but to cultivate it wisely \u2013 to appreciate the intensity of human feeling without being consumed by it.\u201d<\/p>\n
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