\n<\/p>\n
S<\/span>habana Mahmood was in a determined frame of mind. It was time to get serious. No more Mr Nice Guy stuff when dealing with illegal immigrants. Not that there was anything like a legal immigrant as far as she was concerned. The only good migrant was a deported migrant. She laced up her Dr Martens. It was Kicking A Door In o\u2019clock. Starting with her own.<\/p>\n Shabana Mahmood had been dozing in bed when Shabana Mahmood had burst into her room and pulled back the duvet. Shabana forced her eyes open, trying to make sense of this unexpected intrusion. She reached for her phone. Where was her security detail? Surely this must be a mistake.<\/p>\n \u201cRight,\u201d said Shabana. \u201cGet yourself dressed in this orange jump-suit. And don\u2019t mess about. You\u2019re due at the processing centre within the hour. You\u2019ll be on a plane home by the end of the day. If you can call where you\u2019re going home.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I am home,\u201d said Shabana. \u201cI was born here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that got to do with anything? That was then, this is now. People like you have been taking advantage of the system for years. So there are going to be some changes round here. I know we said the deportations wouldn\u2019t be retrospective and we\u2019d make you wait 20 years before you became British but that was because we were being too soft. We\u2019re now going to increase that to 50 years. With surprise assessments every few weeks. And you\u2019ve just missed your 5am one. Which means you are in breach of your visa regulations.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI need to call Keir Starmer,\u201d Shabana sobbed. \u201cHe will vouch for me. There must have been some mistake.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo mistake,\u201d Shabana snarled. \u201cAnd don\u2019t go bleating to Keir. He\u2019s the one who signed off on all this.<\/p>\n \u201cCan\u2019t you just give me a few more days? Why don\u2019t you go and deport David Lammy first? I can give you his address.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNice try. But we\u2019ve beaten you to it. There\u2019s an ICE squad already on its way round to the justice secretary. This government is committed to fairness and equality. There will be no special cases or exemptions.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am British,\u201d Shabana cried, becoming ever more desperate. \u201cI\u2019ve got a British passport. I\u2019ll get it for you.\u201d<\/p>\n Shabana laughed. \u201cI think you\u2019ll find that you had a British passport. Oh, look. It expired at midnight last night. How sad. We can\u2019t have you hanging around here when the country your parents emigrated from is perfectly safe. The thing is, we\u2019ve decided you\u2019ve overstayed your welcome. So off you go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis can\u2019t be right. I couldn\u2019t be more British if I tried. I\u2019ve integrated so well I\u2019ve even become home secretary. I\u2019m a Labour politician whom Reform are happy to call one of their own. I have a couple of Union Jacks to drape myself in when I appear on GB News. I\u2019ll even sign something to say I hate immigrants.\u201d<\/p>\n skip past newsletter promotion<\/p>\n Our morning email breaks down the key stories of the day, telling you what\u2019s happening and why it matters<\/p>\n Privacy Notice: <\/strong>Newsletters may contain information about charities, online ads, and content funded by outside parties. If you do not have an account, we will create a guest account for you on theguardian.com to send you this newsletter. You can complete full registration at any time. For more information about how we use your data see our Privacy Policy. We use Google reCaptcha to protect our website and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.<\/span><\/p>\n after newsletter promotion<\/p>\n \u201cNot good enough, I\u2019m afraid,\u201d said Shabana. \u201cThe thing is you still look foreign. So pack up your things. On second thoughts, don\u2019t bother. Because we\u2019re going to take all your possessions anyway. Everything from your phone, your jewellery to your house. Just so no one comes over here with the idea that they can come over here, contribute and make a life for themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n Shabana was a broken woman. Crying as Shabana bundled her into the back of a van. Shabana smiled. She loved the smell of napalm in the morning. What better start to the day could there be than to deport herself?<\/p>\n Over in Downing Street, Keir Starmer was deep in conversation with Rachel Reeves. \u201cWe are finally delivering on the things we promised to deliver on,\u201d he said with his customary clarity and insight.<\/p>\n \u201cI love it when you talk dirty,\u201d Rachel replied.<\/p>\n \u201cWe need to see these mass deportations as a business opportunity,\u201d he said. \u201cSo I\u2019m setting up a new department of looting with Darren Jones as secretary of state. Dazza\u2019s job will be to collect as many assets off immigrants as possible. Homes here, homes abroad \u2013 not forgetting the ones that have been bombed to smithereens \u2013 TVs, everything. Even gold teeth. That should be more than enough to cover any black holes in your forthcoming budget. Who needs tax rises?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou think of everything.\u201d<\/p>\n Fresh from deporting herself, Shabana appeared in the commons late on Monday afternoon to give an update on her asylum and deportation policy. The system was broken, she said. There were dark forces at work. Somehow she made this sound as if she thought this was a good thing. You could almost sense the regret Labour had abandoned the Rwanda scheme. We would always offer sanctuary to people who needed it. That was the kind of country Britain was.<\/p>\n But the difference would be that we would now make sure we kicked them out as soon as possible. She was sick of us being seen as a soft touch. You just couldn\u2019t trust refugees these days. Most of them initiated their own persecution and risked death to get here just because they wanted to stay in an asylum hotel in Essex where they could be abused by locals. That for them was living the dream. Well, there would be no more of that. The signs were going up. Britain was full. No blacks, no dogs, no Irish. Shabana gave her word. Reinterpret Articles 2 and 8 of the European convention on human rights and nobody need ever see a foreigner again.<\/p>\n We had expected Chris Philp to reply for the Conservatives. But Kemi Badenoch clearly doesn\u2019t trust him to generate the right levels of hatred, so she chose to take his place. As so often, her speech dripped with condescension. She congratulated Mahmood for taking baby steps in the right direction. Being unpleasant to immigrants takes a lot of time and hard work.<\/p>\n The Conservatives would work with the home secretary\u2019s therapist to help her channel her inner prejudice more effectively. Because the measures Shabana was proposing just didn\u2019t go far enough. Nothing short of firing squads on the beach, followed by repatriation of the bodies would be enough. Extermination not integration. What do we want? Mass extinction. When do we want it? Now.<\/p>\n There were few Tories in the commons for the statement \u2013 most can\u2019t see the point of getting out of bed these days, let alone coming to work \u2013 but the Labour benches were packed. Some made loud noises of support. Most looked genuinely queasy. This was not what they had joined the party for. What had happened to compassion? They were doubtful the policy would even work as suggested. Mahmood was resolute. The deportations could easily be extended to her own backbenchers. Watch this space.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Shabana Mahmood was in a determined frame of mind. It was time to get serious. No more Mr Nice Guy stuff when dealing with illegal immigrants. Not that there was anything like a legal immigrant as far as she was concerned. The only good migrant was a deported migrant. She laced up her Dr Martens.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":34144,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[48],"tags":[13567,1206,263,8977,1052,4134,262,11856,4844,12018,181],"class_list":{"0":"post-34143","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-politics","8":"tag-blacks","9":"tag-britain","10":"tag-crace","11":"tag-dogs","12":"tag-full","13":"tag-irish","14":"tag-john","15":"tag-mahmood","16":"tag-puts","17":"tag-shabana","18":"tag-signs"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34143","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=34143"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34143\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/34144"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=34143"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=34143"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=34143"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}