\n<\/p>\n
Editor\u2019s Note:<\/em><\/strong> Is anything ailing, torturing, or nagging at you? Are you beset by existential worries? Every Tuesday, James Parker tackles readers\u2019 questions. Tell him about your lifelong or in-the-moment problems at <\/em>[email\u00a0protected]<\/span><\/em>.<\/em><\/p>\n Don\u2019t want to miss a single column? <\/em>Sign up<\/em> to get \u201cDear James\u201d in your inbox.<\/em><\/p>\n Dear James,<\/strong><\/p>\n I\u2019m worried I may no longer be capable of feeling. Melodramatic, I know\u2014but hear me out.<\/p>\n I am 26 and have been single for seven years, after two short-lived, emotionally tumultuous college flings. And my single life has been great! I\u2019ve improved relationships with my family and friends, built a career I\u2019m proud of, traveled, tried new hobbies. Over the past three years, I\u2019ve been dating super intentionally; I\u2019ve been looking for a relationship that\u2019ll add to my life. I do want to marry, and I want a relationship where we\u2019re both invested in exploring long-term potential\u2014no situationships. My hope is to find someone kind, respectful, and confident (a fairly inclusive set of criteria), which has allowed me to keep an open mind in meeting different kinds of men and not sticking to a \u201ctype.\u201d<\/p>\n Some guys have been immediate nos. Others have been nice\u2014our conversations are okay, and we seem aligned on priorities\u2014so I\u2019ll go on a couple of dates to see if a spark develops. But the spark simply isn\u2019t developing. I know not to expect fireworks right away. But after a few dates, I\u2019m not excited to see them anymore. If I sense someone is feeling a connection but I\u2019m not, I\u2019ll usually end it so as to not lead them on.<\/p>\n I have<\/em> felt sparks and attraction before. I know I\u2019m capable of wanting romance. But I\u2019m so confused, and I can\u2019t help wondering if my expectations are unrealistic. Am I waiting for something that\u2019ll never come? Is \u201cWhen you know, you know\u201d a fallacy? Or am I missing some feelings that are usually present in these situations?<\/p>\n Dear Reader,<\/strong><\/p>\n I\u2019m picking up a lot of front-brain activity here, a lot of planning and problem-solving, a lot of executive function\u2014which has its place, of course, but I don\u2019t believe that the core of our existence, the great mysteries of love and spirit, are accessible by thinking<\/em>. In the areas that really matter, the intellect has limited range.<\/p>\n Certainly, in my case: I can see now that the major decisions in my life, however they might have appeared at the time, were made not in the well-lit boardrooms of my frontal lobes but down in the darkness of my raging, whining, babbling, and despotically sensitive amygdala. (This brain stuff is all metaphors, by the way. In terms of actual brain function, how it works, I have no idea what I\u2019m talking about.)<\/p>\n And then there\u2019s Eros, also known as Cupid, who flies away with his little buttocks clenched at the least hint of a rational process. Dating consciously and intentionally, with a checklist of desirable qualities and a determination not to hurt anyone\u2019s feelings\u2014what a great way to keep him out of your business. It sounds to me like you got rather scorched by those early romances, and since then you\u2019ve been doing a very good job of regulating your love life. In the past seven years, no one\u2019s run off with your heart, blown your mind, challenged your identity, or trampled your self-respect. On the other hand, no one\u2019s been very interesting, either.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t want to be a cheerleader for the forces of irrationality\u2014we\u2019ve got quite enough of that going on these days. But I wonder if you could make yourself a little more available to the unlikely, the unpredictable, the downright unsuitable. Take your aversion to situationships: I mean, they\u2019re all<\/em> situationships, aren\u2019t they? From the randomest hookup to the most heavily layered entanglement. Put two people together, in any context, and you\u2019ve got a situation.<\/p>\n Am I an expert in dating? By no means. But it seems to me that you\u2019re in a great position. You\u2019ve looked after yourself, which is no small thing, and you\u2019ve been steadily exploring. Now you\u2019re feeling the flickerings of an as-yet-obscure romantic destiny. Let it happen!<\/p>\n From a sleeping bag in the hippocampus,<\/p>\n James<\/p>\n By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let <\/em>The Atlantic use it in part or in full, and we may edit it for length and\/or clarity.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Editor\u2019s Note: Is anything ailing, torturing, or nagging at you? Are you beset by existential worries? Every Tuesday, James Parker tackles readers\u2019 questions. Tell him about your lifelong or in-the-moment problems at [email\u00a0protected]. Don\u2019t want to miss a single column? Sign up to get \u201cDear James\u201d in your inbox. Dear James, I\u2019m worried I may<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":20129,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[2156,6040,817,438,1329,12383],"class_list":{"0":"post-20128","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-social-issues","8":"tag-dating","9":"tag-dear","10":"tag-james","11":"tag-leaving","12":"tag-men","13":"tag-numb"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20128","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=20128"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20128\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/20129"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=20128"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=20128"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=20128"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}