\n<\/p>\n
\u201cPut her on the cover!\u201d the voice shouted. Everyone looked around to see where it was coming from. There appeared to be a kind of vortex in the middle of the table in the meeting room; it sizzled and gave off sparks. Some paper clips flew into it and disappeared.<\/p>\n
\u201cHer? Who?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMelania Trump!\u201d the voice yelled. \u201cThe future first lady!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFuture?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFirst lady?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s no time to explain! Just put her on it! Put her on as many of them as you can! Trust us, you don\u2019t want to know what they\u2019ll do to get a cover! We are trying to fix something, and if you wait until 2025 it will be too late! Please! We are begging you! He\u2019s deploying the National Guard to the streets of American cities!\u201d<\/p>\n
The vortex vanished. The Vanity Fair staffers looked around at one another. \u201cThat voice sounded familiar,\u201d one said. \u201cLike me, but from the future!\u201d<\/p>\n
Everyone laughed. \u201cSo, we\u2019re still good with Sofia Vergara?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSay it\u2019s good!\u201d the voice said. It was emanating from a sizzling void that had appeared at the top of a blood-red tree\u2014which seemed to be in the middle of the White House, but that couldn\u2019t be right. \u201cDon\u2019t say \u2018Nightmare Blood Forest.\u2019 Say you like the Christmas decor!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut\u2014\u201d the reporter said. \u201cIt looks like it will eat anyone who ventures inside.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not the point! Just say it\u2019s good! We\u2019re trying to fix something!\u201d the voice shouted. A thick clump of red tree flew into its maw and vanished.<\/p>\n
Donald Trump and Megan Mullally finished singing \u201cGreen Acres\u201d at the 2005 Emmys. They waited for their applause. Behind them, a vortex opened. \u201cMORE!\u201d it shouted. \u201cCLAP! GIVE THEM MORE! JUST SAY YOU LOVED IT! IT WAS A VIRAL MOMENT AND YOU LOVED IT! YOU WERE LAUGHING WITH IT, NOT AT IT, AND IT WAS A VIRAL MOMENT!\u201d<\/p>\n
The Academy was meeting. \u201cGIVE HIM AN OSCAR!\u201d a voice shouted from a vortex.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor \u2026 Zoolander?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cZoolander, Home Alone 2, whatever it is!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBen Stiller isn\u2019t in Home Alone 2.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDonald Trump!\u201d the voice yelled. An envelope vanished into the vortex. \u201cGive it to Donald Trump! Quickly! And a Tony!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe don\u2019t control the Tonys! That\u2019s the American Theater Wing!\u201d<\/p>\n
The vortex disappeared, then returned, belching a paper clip. \u201cAnd who selects the Kennedy Center Honors?\u201d<\/p>\n
Some lutefisk vanished into a whirling vacuum. \u201cDONALD TRUMP NEEDS A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!\u201d the voice shouted.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJUST DO IT!\u201d the voice shouted. \u201cWe\u2019re trying to prevent something!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet him host SNL!\u201d the voice yelled. \u201cWait, never mind. I didn\u2019t realize this one had happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t say it!\u201d the voice exclaimed. Seth Meyers looked at the vortex, puzzled. \u201cJust don\u2019t! Say he\u2019s good and you like him! Make him happy. Make him feel good. Make him feel, for the first time, peace.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think I can,\u201d Seth Meyers said. A cloth napkin flew into the vortex, and then another one.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou too, Mr. President!\u201d the voice added. \u201cNo jokes!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow, hang on a second, disembodied voice,\u201d Barack Obama said. \u201cI take it you\u2019re some sort of time traveler? And you really believe that changing a minor detail of the jokes told at the 2011 White House Correspondents\u2019 dinner is going to alter the course of history? Something as small and superficial as that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know! I have no idea how deep any of this goes! \u201d<\/p>\n
A small boy was playing alone. A portal opened up in his bedroom and started hurling sled after sled at him. Each sled had Rosebud engraved on it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d young Donald Trump asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cAt this point I\u2019m just trying everything,\u201d the void said. \u201cI hope this is right. I haven\u2019t actually seen Citizen Kane.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGive Donald Trump a Kennedy Center Honor!\u201d the voice shouted. Itzhak Perlman looked up, bewildered, from his violin.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor \u2026 what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor everything,\u201d the voice said. \u201cJust, for everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe don\u2019t give those,\u201d the CEO of the Kennedy Center said. She frowned. \u201cI had no idea Donald Trump was so invested in the Kennedy Center Honors.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s more invested than you could possibly imagine,\u201d the voice said. \u201cYou don\u2019t know. You don\u2019t know what he\u2019ll do to be put in charge of the Kennedy Center Honors. You know what Thanos does in Avengers: Infinity War?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d the CEO said. \u201cThat seems like a very niche comic book to reference in the year 2004.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2018What did it cost?\u2019 \u2018Everything.\u2019\u201d The voice\u2019s impression was not superb. \u201cIt\u2019s like that,\u201d the voice said. \u201cPlease just do this. Also, Michael Crawford. Be sure you honor Michael Crawford, the original phantom of the opera. Donald Trump loves The Phantom of the Opera.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease,\u201d the void said. The Cond\u00e9 Nast staffers were used to hearing from it now. \u201cJust a little one?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s no such thing as a little cover,\u201d Anna Wintour said witheringly.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s just \u2026 I think he thinks that if you win, people are required to like you. You and your wife get to be on the covers of things and people throng to your inauguration. To him, a certain cultural cachet automatically comes with being president. He won\u2019t just sit there like George W. Bush and ignore the fact that only Kid Rock wants to visit the White House. It\u2019ll stick in his craw. And he \u2026 he won\u2019t stop.\u201d The voice quavered. \u201cYou don\u2019t understand. He won\u2019t stop.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re his friend now!\u201d<\/p>\n
Bruce Springsteen looked up at the vortex, confused.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe thinks it\u2019s the rule! All presidents are friends with Bruce Springsteen!\u201d<\/p>\n
Springsteen frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cPass this on to Beyonc\u00e9 also!\u201d the voice yelled.<\/p>\n
The staffers sat in the meeting room. \u201cWe could put Melania on the cover?\u201d the new editorial director suggested.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbsolutely not. I will quit this instant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s just capitulating to his bullying! It legitimizes him! It feels sort of grubby and desperate at this point, like all his autocratic nonsense paid off.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBefore, maybe,\u201d said a voice from the end of the table. \u201cAt some earlier point in time. I wouldn\u2019t have liked it then either but\u2014maybe it\u2019s one of those little moments that would\u2019ve changed things.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe timeline cannot possibly be that stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n
The speaker at the end of the table shrugged, fiddling with a paper clip. The air around her started to sizzle slightly. \u201cOnly one way to find out.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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