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B<\/span>etsy Lerner doesn\u2019t see herself as a TikTok star \u2013 though the New York Times described her as one \u2013 or an influencer. That means payment and swag \u2013 all she\u2019s had is a free pen. \u201cI really do it for myself,\u201d she says, \u201cand for the people who follow me\u201d.<\/p>\n Lerner, 64, has for 20 <\/strong>years <\/strong>worked as a literary agent for writers including Patti Smith and Temple Grandin. She\u2019s an author of nonfiction and now of a debut novel, Shred Sisters \u2013 \u201ca love letter to loneliness\u201d. But the \u201cdoing\u201d she\u2019s talking about is on TikTok, where she has amassed 1.5m likes for videos in which she reads from the diaries she wrote in her turbulent 20s.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t know who you\u2019ll love, who will love you, what you will do for work, what is your purpose,\u201d she says in one post. \u201cThis morning I found one line in my diary that just sums [your 20s] up: \u2018I feel as if I don\u2019t know who I am, today.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Lerner posts in her dressing gown, without makeup. Initially she explored BookTok to support her authors. But with her own novel forthcoming, she started posting, camera off, and got no followers. \u201cA friend told me, you need to be on camera and think of it as your own TV channel \u2026 I thought, \u2018Well, maybe I will read from my old diaries.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n She\u2019d kept one from the age of 11, after reading Anne Frank\u2019s The Diary of a Young Girl. \u201cI wrote my first poems in there. I vented. I tried to analyse myself \u2026\u201d Her journals from the ages of 12 to 18 were lost when her car was stolen, but those from her 20s \u2013 about 30 volumes \u2013 were stowed in a crawl space in her attic.<\/p>\n \u201cMy diaries are very sad. They\u2019re all about being lonely, looking for love, looking for friendship, trying to figure out who I was,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Lerner describes herself as \u201ca late bloomer\u201d. She was accepted on to Columbia\u2019s MFA poetry programme at 26, entering publishing in her late 20s when most editorial assistants were fresh from college. \u201cI didn\u2019t fall in love till I was 30. I\u2019d never had any significant relationships \u2026 I lost a lot of my teenage years and most of my 20s struggling with depression.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/span>\u2018It\u2019s all about trying to connect and communicate\u2019 \u2026 Betsy Lerner, photographed in New Haven, Connecticut.<\/span> Photograph: Nicole Frappier\/The Guardian<\/p>\n When she was 15, her parents had taken her to a psychiatrist, and she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. \u201cI didn\u2019t want to accept that I had this illness. I fought it a lot,\u201d she says. Her 2003 memoir, Food and Loathing, documents her relationship with her weight, food, depression and more, and at one point in her late 20s describes her straddling a ledge on a bridge above the Hudson River.<\/p>\n The turning point came at 30. She found a psychopharmacologist \u2013 who \u201cfigured out\u201d the right lithium dosage (they\u2019ve worked together for 35 years) \u2013 and she got married.<\/p>\n Her diaries stopped. She had written them alone in bed at night. But now, \u201cI just didn\u2019t feel that sad and lonely any more\u201d, she says.<\/p>\n For years, Lerner says, \u201cI gravitated toward a lot of intensity.\u201d Now, \u201cI prioritise stability over everything.\u201d<\/p>\n She had never thought she\u2019d write a novel. But in 2019 <\/strong>she came through \u201cfour very tragic deaths\u201d. She lost her mother, then her teenage niece and nephew, Ruby and Hart Campbell, who were killed by a drunk driver, and her best friend, the writer George Hodgman, who died by suicide. \u201cI still don\u2019t know who I\u2019m grieving for at any given time,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n In the aftermath of these deaths she started to write Shred Sisters, partly inspired by the online workouts \u2013 shredding \u2013 she and her two sisters did during Covid to take care of each other, and as \u201ca way of working through all of that grief\u201d. She is already writing another novel, and for as long as there is material in the diaries, and there is TikTok, she will continue to share them. \u201cIt\u2019s all about trying to connect and communicate,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s a constant stream of comments from kids in their 20s who identify with my struggles. That\u2019s really what keeps me going. I feel this connection to these kids \u2026 I try to say, I felt the same. Hang in. Some heart emojis. Just a little something to say, \u2018You\u2019re recognised.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Shred Sisters is out now, published by Verve Books. To support the Guardian, order a copy from the Guardian bookshop. Delivery fees may apply.<\/p>\n Tell us: has your life taken a new direction after the age of 60?<\/p>\n In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on 988lifeline.org, or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org<\/em><\/p>\n