\n<\/p>\n
Dear Presidents, Chancellors and OTHER Temporary Custodians of My Properties:<\/p>\n
Greetings from the Family\u2014I mean, the Administration. You\u2019ve been running a nice little operation there: world-class labs, libraries, free-thinking faculty, students from all over the globe who still believe in the marketplace of ideas, all asking dangerous questions like \u201cWhy?\u201d and \u201cWhat is your evidence?\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s over.<\/p>\n
As the founder of a MAJOR university, I\u2019m here to say this: We\u2019re gonna do things my way now.<\/p>\n
As you know, I\u2019m a SUCESSFUL international businessman. I offer certain countries\u2014let\u2019s call them \u201cfriends\u201d\u2014deals: They pay me a modest consideration, or maybe a big, beautiful luxury jet, and I won\u2019t slap them with tariffs to make their economy bleed out. I offer the same generous arrangement to higher ed.<\/p>\n
Take Crooked Columbia and Brownnosing Brown\u2014smart enough to come to the table, hand over the dough and watch my charges vanish like magic. Funding? Flowing again\u00a0\u2026 for now.<\/p>\n
High and mighty Harvard\u2019s still holding out, though, thinking they can win a staring contest. Let\u2019s just say their next accreditation visit is gonna be\u00a0\u2026 comprehensive.<\/p>\n
UCLA? Aka Useless College for Leftist Agendas. Rumor is my friends in D.C. have started looking real close at their books. Would be a shame if we had to start collecting on that billion the hard way.<\/p>\n
The rest of you RADICAL LUNATIC LEFT, listen up:<\/p>\n
Investigations into your crimes against America, like \u201callowing students to protest\u201d or \u201cletting faculty disagree with the government,\u201d can disappear overnight\u00a0\u2026 for a price.<\/p>\n
Call it a FAVOR from a friendly accreditor.<\/p>\n
But remember, what I giveth I can take awayeth.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t do promises; I do BUSINESS. And it\u2019s business time.<\/p>\n
Apple, Intel, NVIDIA jump when I say jump. Universities? Child\u2019s play.<\/p>\n
Some say I\u2019m an ANTISEMITISM SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR on campus and sure, I like the Jews. I\u2019ll take the compliment, right alongside credit for sprucing up big, beautiful Confederate statues.<\/p>\n
My war on hate? Let\u2019s just say it has\u00a0\u2026 range. And if a few very fine people happen to be nearby, standing back and standing by, waiting for the signal to help CLARIFY my position, well, that\u2019s just business.<\/p>\n
That NASTY WOMAN at the Bureau of Labor Statistics? The one who brought me cooked-up job numbers I didn\u2019t like? FIRED.<\/p>\n
That Georgia political hack who couldn\u2019t find enough votes? ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!<\/p>\n
Judges who cross me? Death threats from my cyber goons have them looking over their shoulders.<\/p>\n
Your degree, your Nobel Prize, your teaching awards\u2014SAD! I\u2019ve built towers with my name in gold, hosted the No.\u00a01 reality show on television, and put my face on steaks, sneakers and Bitcoin.<\/p>\n
So you publish in that fake Ranger Rick Nature <\/em>magazine. I don\u2019t care if your lab just cured cancer; if your research questions don\u2019t support my worldview, your grant is pulled and your lab reassigned to our friend of the family on the board, Mikey, who\u2019s very confident about his opinion on quantum biology.<\/p>\n IRB? More like, \u201cI\u2019m Rich, Buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n Loyalty\u2014to ME\u2014is the only credential that matters.<\/p>\n MARXIST MANIACS who lack American values and good Christian sensibilities have no business shaping our young peoples\u2019 minds. Cover letters with Bible verses or Lee Greenwood lyrics will receive special consideration.<\/p>\n After I cut more big, beautiful deals with my AI buddies, the bots will weed out candidate files with the words \u201cinclusive excellence\u201d or \u201cdiversifying the pipeline.\u201d<\/p>\n No more \u201cglobal citizen\u201d snowflake CRAP. In fact, pretty soon, it\u2019s gonna be all AI at the podium\u2014no critical thinking, no unions, no problem.<\/p>\n International students are allowed, but only RICH ones, with no subversive ideas, like democracy, on their social media feeds. No students from the shithole countries\u2014you know the list. (Come to think of it, I don\u2019t like any country, so being from one of our so-called allies won\u2019t help either.)<\/p>\n NO \u201cunderrepresented\u201d anything. ONLY OVERREPRESENTED. Racial disadvantage, adversity, \u201clived experience\u201d or some \u201ccommunity-based\u201d qualifications? FORGET ABOUT IT.<\/p>\n We\u2019re running a university, not a sob story contest!<\/p>\n You want to admit a Latina who speaks three languages and started her own nonprofit? Great\u2014as long as all three languages are English and she\u2019s truly FEMALE. <\/p>\n And while we\u2019re at it, ban \u201coptional\u201d diversity statements. The only statement that matters is your pledge of allegiance. To me.<\/p>\n You thought academic freedom meant hiring the best scholars, encouraging debate and letting a thousand ideas bloom.<\/p>\n HILARIOUS!<\/p>\n From now on, FREEDOM means freedom to offer academic programs that look just like the ones we had in 1952, when America was great (minus the jazz) and McCarthy knew what higher education should look like.<\/p>\n It took Viktor 10 YEARS to bring his universities to heel. I\u2019m doing it in six MONTHS, results like nobody\u2019s ever seen before.<\/p>\n \u201cwoMEN\u2019s\u201d studies? GONE.<\/p>\n African American literature course? Replaced with Great Books by Even Greater White Men.<\/p>\n Faculty scholarship on critical race theory, gender equity or, God forbid, climate science, will get an automatic tenure-denial stamp. Come to think of it, tenure? What\u2019s that? More like Permanent Welfare for America-Hating Communists.<\/p>\n Just watch what you publish, pal. I can make tenure go away real fast, the same way I disappeared USAID.<\/p>\n My good friend VICE CHANCELLOR Rufo will replace it with rolling one-year contracts, renewable upon click-through loyalty oath training modules.<\/p>\n Also, just a heads-up. Any course material still using the outdated term \u201cGulf of Mexico\u201d will be flagged in our next surveillance round. My top patriot and loyal adviser, Stephen, suggests: \u201cThe Gulf of AMERICA FIRST.\u201d And you so-called political scientists, get your facts right on who won the 2020 election. You\u2019d best update those course materials, nice and clean, and nobody\u2019s sabbatical turns into an extended stay at Alligator Alcatraz.<\/p>\n Capishe? I don\u2019t want to have to slam any more heads together.<\/p>\n It\u2019s time you got the picture, EGGHEADS: Knowledge isn\u2019t power. Power is power.<\/p>\n Thank you for your attention to this matter!<\/p>\n Your Don<\/p>\n P.S. I\u2019ll let you keep your football program. You\u2019re welcome.<\/p>\n Jennifer Lundquist is a professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Her satirical observations in this essay are hers alone and not intended to represent the views of her employer.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Presidents, Chancellors and OTHER Temporary Custodians of My Properties: Greetings from the Family\u2014I mean, the Administration. You\u2019ve been running a nice little operation there: world-class labs, libraries, free-thinking faculty, students from all over the globe who still believe in the marketplace of ideas, all asking dangerous questions like \u201cWhy?\u201d and \u201cWhat is your evidence?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15833,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[57],"tags":[303,2906,4543,3866,9336],"class_list":{"0":"post-15832","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-education","8":"tag-business","9":"tag-family","10":"tag-letter","11":"tag-open","12":"tag-satireopinion"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15832","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=15832"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15832\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/15833"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=15832"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=15832"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/naijaglobalnews.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=15832"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}WOKE Faculty Hiring and Student Admissions: GONE-ZO<\/h2>\n
Academic Freedom, Suckers!<\/h2>\n